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GOLDEN GOOSE: A magazine salesman was soliciting business in a neighborhood and approached a house with some neat yard decorations. At the steps of the residence, he began to play with a pink wooden goose, spinning the wing of the birdie. The homeowner came out of the house and told the salesman to stop spinning the wing. To spite the woman, after being told not to, the salesman gave the wing a final spin. The homeowner swatted the salesman's hand away, causing a scratch. The salesman called in the report of simple assault. No, the police do not have better things to do with their time.
WHO THROWS BRICKS?: In an uptown Charlotte home, a man picked up a brick and threw it at a person. The intended target ducked and the brick hit a man standing behind the ducker square in the face. He suffered a broken nose.
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?: There are many ways to assault a person; this just might be the worst: A 52-year-old woman reported a suspect struck her twice in the leg with her own wheelchair.
CHEMISTRY LESSON: A 48-year-old man was assaulted when a suspect threw an unknown liquid in his face. The man believes the mystery liquid was Clorox. Then the suspect slapped the man's glasses off his face. CL advises if you are trying to splash chemicals in someone's face, you should slap the glasses off first and then hit him or her with the toxins.
I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP: A man of questionable balance was standing on a 6-foot ladder and shaking a pecan tree (two activities that should never be combined). The man was not satisfied with the amount of pecans he had shaken and stepped on a branch to get higher in the tree. The branch snapped and the victim fell. No injuries were reported.
Fun with Cleptos
MALIBU STACY GETTIN' FREAKY: A doll was humiliated when a vandal broke into her home, made her strip and robbed her of her clothes. A 60-year-old woman reported the only item missing after a break-in was $100 worth of doll clothes (a head-band and dark brown fur shawl) taken off a doll on the shelf of her bedroom closet. Isn't it more plausible that this inanimate floozy was caught mid-tryst with Ken -- notorious manwhore of the doll kingdom?
IT'S NOT QUALITY, IT'S QUANTITY: A robber broke into a dollar store and took $4,000 worth of merchandise. According to a local mathematician, the vandal stole approximately 4,000 items.
- Courtesy www.thesmokinggun.com
- R. Kelly
THE EAGLE FLIES AT DAWN: Several suspects entered a retail store and dispersed themselves throughout. Then one yelled, "I have a trap jacket!" and all the suspects ran out of the store at the same time with stolen clothing. A less obvious code would have been, "Hey everybody, we're stealing things and exiting the store!"
HOW LARGE IS YOUR PURSE?: An employee at Jerry's Market (not Jerry) observed a woman putting a whole ham in her purse. The ham-burglar was stopped at the counter and asked to open her purse. Brazenly she opened it to show off her loot. Then she shut the purse and ran out.
GRAVE TRADE: A woman bought a grave plot from a man for $225 because he convinced her he would turn around and sell the plot for $2,800 and give her the profit. The man called back the next day and asked for $100 more, which she gave him. She has not seen or heard from him since.
FLOWER FELONY?: The good times didn't last very long after a recent wedding. Eight silk flower arrangements valued at $500 were stolen from the bride. Who would do such a thing you ask? The crime was committed by the bride's father, who argued that he didn't steal the flowers; he paid for them, so they were rightfully his.
DO YOU HAVE AN AUDIOVISUAL SECTION?: An alarm sounded when the back door of an elementary school's library was kicked in. Once inside, the trespassers took nothing, proving that reading is in fact dead.
CASANOVA: Diamond earrings, a pearl necklace and a $100 bottle of champagne were stolen from a man's home. It's doubtful the robber will choose to tell his partner that the romantic gesture came from dishonorable means.
MMMMMM ... BEER: An armed robbery occurred at a gas station mart in the middle of the afternoon. Thieves took $1,220 and a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Guess money doesn't change everything.
