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Too Easy: A 46-year-old woman called police after realizing her car had been stolen, and she had given the thieves her keys. She told officers two suspects came to her residence and identified themselves as vehicle recovery agents. They said they were there to repossess her car, and she voluntarily handed over the keys. When she called the finance company the men claimed to be working for, they said that she had no such problems on her record. I guess there is something more embarrassing than getting your car repossessed.
Not Playing: An 18-year-old male called police after being assaulted and robbed by a group of guys from his neighborhood. He told officers he was walking home with his friends at 8:30 p.m. when the suspects approached them laughingly and acted as if they wanted to "play fight." During this "play fight" they held him down and tried to take money from his pockets. They stole a cell phone and house keys from the other victim's pockets and ran off. I'd hate to be in a real fight with these guys.
Threats of the YEar
• A 24-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a very unstable man. The man was on the phone with the victim and stated, "You better tell that bitch in the background that if she doesn't shut up I will kill her. I am definitely going to kill you. You don't know who you are fucking with. I will come down there and tear your face off and mail it to your mother."
• A 60-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone by a neighbor. She told officers the woman called her and stated, "I am going to throw a bomb in your yard. What do you want here? Anyway, we don't need white people in our neighborhood. I wouldn't even let my dog mess with you. Go back to Germany, bitch, or I will kill you." In the police report, the victim is listed as black.
• A 40-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called the victim one night and stated, "You're going to get yours. Not your brother, not your cousins, not anybody that is around you is going to be able to stop me. [Not Mr. T? Not Jack Bauer? Not anybody?] I'm going to get you. And when I do get you, you are going to feel it. So enjoy life."
• A 20-year-old woman called police after being threatened and harassed by a known suspect. The victim stated that the suspect said, "I'm going to kill you. I hope your family has made funeral arrangements for you. I have a hit out for you. I'm going to beat you up when I see you. I'm going to get someone to steal your car." Why are you backing down with every sentence? You went from being the person doing the killing to not even wanting to participate in grand theft auto.
• A 27-year-old man called police after being threatened via text message. The victim told officers that the suspect sent him two texts, and one of them stated, "I don't want to kill you. I just want to see you suffer, and I will get someone to hurt you bad." Send him right over then, but remember: no murder. You promised.
• A woman called police after being threatened by a robot. She told officers that she received four threatening calls within an hour from a computerized system that shows her own number on the caller ID. When she picked up, a digital-flavored voice stated, "Bitch, I am going to beat your ass when I see you. Tonight I am coming over to kill you and your kids." The machine then gave up its identity when it signed off by saying, "Hasta la vista, baby."
• A 36-year-old man called police after he heard some disconcerting gossip from a friend. He said that his friend received six calls from a known suspect who was threatening the victim. The suspect told the man, "I am going to kill him and distribute his body parts all over the world." Insert your own Carmen Sandiego joke.
