The Blotter is an idiotic weekly crime column published by Creative Loafing and written by an idiotic college student (me) with a dark enough sense of humor to find these ridiculous -- and real -- tales funny.

I find content for the column in an endless pile of police reports that media hounds look over throughout the day, hoping to uncover some juicy stories. Although the reports sometimes become tedious, the main room of the police department can be an interesting place. It offers great culture clashes -- like a rambling old man who, as he's busy filing a police report on his brother for stealing a couple of bucks, greets Fox Charlotte's Morgan Fogarty as if she sees him every night at 10:30 p.m. like he sees her.

Of course, in between skimming the hundreds of yarns about TomToms stolen from cars (c'mon people, take them out when you leave) and juvenile delinquents who run away from home over and over again, there's always something that catches my eye. The one thing that grabs my attention more than anything else is a quotation mark. When people are in heated arguments with significant others or annoying neighbors, they become gifted lyricists; most police reports read like someone was playing Mad Libs: "I'm going to come to your (curse word) house and (verb) your (pet or relative) and then make you (verb) them."

Incidents that happen in high schools have a special place in my heart. Kids have better imaginations than any other criminals. Girls' ponytails, for example, mysteriously end up in flames on their way to the bus stop. And I've grown skeptically suspicious of the high school teacher who doesn't report their sexually abusive student until it's "become an ongoing problem for two weeks."

But, my favorite? Anything involving drunk children or betrayed girlfriends is usually a keeper.

Most of all, I just keep my eyes peeled for things that I could never make up. And, no -- none of items in The Blotter are made up.

All that said, behold the cream of The Blotter's idiotic crop for 2009, as chosen by my trusty editor. Here's hoping that you don't find yourself in the next few pages.

Beatdowns

How Could You?: A 30-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by a man and his daughter in her home. The man put the victim in a sleeper hold and brought her down to the floor. He then pulled out a gun and waved it around in the air, stating that "he had something" for the victim. After the man left, his daughter showed up and told the victim she was going to kick her ass for ever messing with her father. Yeah, how dare you let him put you in a sleeper hold and pull a gun out from his waistband! What were you thinking?

Good Parenting: A 21-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted by her ex-boyfriend. She told officers that the man scratched her face and hit her once in the back of the head during an argument over the way she takes care of the daughter they have together. The daughter was in the room as this incident happened. I guess the guy probably made a lesson out of this and told the daughter, "See, look at Mommy. Nobody likes a crybaby."

Strikeout: A 25-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his girlfriend during an argument. He told officers that at some point during the night, the woman got angry with him and stated that she wanted to kill him. She then threw an iron, a knife and a shoe at him but never hit him. That's so sweet – your girlfriend misses you even when you just walk to the next room. After building a horrible pitching record, the girl just brought it back to the basics and punched him in the left eye with a closed fist.

Break a Leg: Police responded to an assault call after two men who knew each other were involved in a shooting. The victim said that the suspect aimed for and hit his prosthetic leg with a bullet, which then ricocheted into his "remaining" leg. It's tough to tell from the police or news reports whether this was an assault or two kids messing around, but it's clear someone was not thinking on his feet ... or foot.

Think Fast: A 64-year-old man called police after being assaulted in his own home. He told officers that as soon as he entered the front door of his home, a woman started throwing an assortment of knives at him from across the room. The suspect then charged and lunged at him with a knife in her hand. The victim reported that he deflected the knife from the woman's hand and disarmed her without injury. This goes to prove what I've always warned people: You have to stay on your toes because there's always the chance a ninja will be on the other side of any door.

Home Sick: A 45-year-old man called police after being threatened by a guest who was staying at his house. He told officers the man was upset because he wanted to return to Detroit and woke up in the morning screaming at the victim's wife. He then threatened them both with a book, probably the only time he's ever used one. He grabbed the victim around the throat and told him he would kill him. You really want to go to Detroit that bad? I would put up this big of a fight just to get out of that city.

Cowboys & Idiots: A 32-year-old man called police after an unknown man tried to assault him. He told officers that after an argument, the man chased him down North Tryon Street shooting a bow and arrow at him. The victim then rounded up his posse, kissed his lady and headed due west to find the savages responsible.

Charlotteans behaving badly

True Romantic: A 63-year-old woman called police after being stalked by a known suspect for the last three months. She told officers that the man has constantly driven past her house without any purpose. One of his favorite tricks is to call the police and send them to her house to check on her, since she won't answer his phone calls. He has approached her door multiple times, leaving notes, flowers and even fresh vegetables! Just be happy you still elicit this sort of behavior at 63 and throw the guy a bone, would you?

More Nuts: A 48-year-old woman called police after being harassed by an unknown suspect. She said that within a span of three days the man repeatedly texted her pornographic pictures of himself. It's bad enough that all you older people have already taken over Facebook. This new "sexting" fad is something that definitely has to be left to the high school and college students who started it.

Writer At Work: A 22-year-old man called police after catching a woman vandalizing his vehicle. He said he looked out from his apartment balcony and saw a woman scratching his car with something. When he yelled, the woman ran away. When the victim went to check out the damage, he found that the words, "Fuck You Jackass. P.S. I'm" were scratched into his side panel. Oh, this is awesome! If it's not obvious to you that the last word was going to be "pregnant," then I don't know what is.

Whip It Out: Police were called to the scene of a crime when a very impatient man was caught doing something all too wrong. Witnesses said the man was walking down South Tryon Street when he suddenly pulled out his penis and began masturbating against a wall. The man was arrested two blocks from the scene, probably smoking a cigarette.

The Hard Way: Police responded to a suicide call after a 14-year-old girl, who stated she wanted to die, ingested an entire bottle of Midol and an unknown amount of roach insecticide. Why would you deliberately try to make your last moments on earth the most disgusting time of your short life? Well, I hope life improves; just think how long it will be before you ever suffer cramps and bloating again!

Burn One: Police arrested a man after they witnessed him setting fire to something while they cruised their beat. After questioning him, they found that the man had decided to take off his shirt and burn it in the front yard of his home. It takes some pretty serious drugs to convince someone that the only logical thing for them to do is to take off their clothes and burn them. Got any more?

Riding High: As police arrived at a house they had been called to for a domestic disturbance, a car drove away and a bystander told police to follow the girl who was driving it. The girl was found to be driving a car with an expired tag so they searched her. She had in her possession a blunt of marijuana, a crack rock, crack pipes, a marijuana pipe and two cell phones with names and numbers of labeled drug dealers in the phone. Friendly notice to all Charlotte-area drug dealers: time to change your phone numbers.

Unruly: Police were called to Ranson Middle School to get control of a student who had problems following directions. After police arrived, the student began using profane language toward staff and the officers and then began flipping desks over throughout the classroom. This kid is in middle school – would someone please contain him? If I was that teacher, I would be thinking, "Damn, it is going to be a long year."

Pinhead: Police were called to Strike City bowling alley in EpiCentre when a partygoer got a little out of control. Witnesses told officers the guy threw a beer glass and a shot glass against a wall inside the bar, shattering both. He then resisted police officers by cursing at them and not following any verbal commands. At some point the suspect broke the speaker microphone to the officer's police radio. Do you have a little brother who attends Ranson Middle School by any chance?

Gangsta Leanin': A 43-year-old man was walking out of a retail store when he witnessed a group of teenagers leaning on his car and loitering around it. When he told one of the kids to get off if his car, the teen responded, "Fuck you. Fuck your car. I will fuck you up. I will fuck your car up. I will burn your car." Kid, go see a doctor, please. It's called Zoloft, and the only side effects are suicidal feelings – which wouldn't be so bad in your case.

Good Worker: An employee of a local Wild Wing Café called police after a man refused to pay his bill. The man sat down and ordered a plate of wings and a lot of alcohol. When he finished, he simply got up and stumbled out the door. The reporting employee followed him out and asked him why he hadn't paid, and the intoxicated man told him he only had $4 in his pocket and had planned on washing dishes to compensate the business but got too drunk.

Five-finger discounts

All-Time Low: Police were called to a local church after a woman caught a Peeping Tom videotaping up her dress every time she stood up in the church pew. Witnesses detained the man until police arrived. Officers confiscated two CPUs, a video camera, a cell phone, two digital cameras, a thumb drive and a flash drive. In return the man received a one-way ticket to hell.

Red with Fear: A 54-year-old woman called police after being robbed at gunpoint. The woman told officers that two suspects pointed guns at her two 16-year-old daughters and her and threatened to kill them before making off with one box of Maxi Pads. All the strides that female criminals and victims have made, and people like this bring the stereotypes back. I wasn't aware that either one of these age groups had use for these but that just shows how much the average guy knows.

Staying Fresh: A man was arrested at a local Wal-Mart after being caught attempting to steal five bottles of Febreze and six pairs of underwear. Five bottles of Febreze is what you call a "hobo shower."

No, I Quit!: An employee of a local Pizza Hut called police after realizing that one of her employees had been stealing from customers. She told officers that over the course of a few days, the suspect stole $88.50 from customers. How does this even happen? You give 177 people 50 cents less change than they deserve? After being fired, the suspect threatened to hurt the woman and ran out of the store. Coming to get your last paycheck is going to be awkward.

Take It All: In the most ridiculous robbery I've ever read about, the following things were taken: a box of clothes, a child's bow-and-arrow set, a screwdriver set, tape measure, umbrella, two ceramic pigs, a ceramic fruit bowl, a sewing machine, two saws, a shoeshine kit, a tackle box, a metal cannon (???), an eagle statue, 1939-1940 tax book, a lantern, two baseball gloves, a VCR, baseball cards, a slingshot, a book of stamps, staples and IcyHot patches. All suspects were arrested on the scene -- meaning the victims had to find a dumpster.

The Ringer: A 66-year-old woman called police after being the victim of theft. She told officers that while she was sleeping, someone stole a large steel bell from her backyard that cost $500. Officers told her she could probably find the perpetrator -- just be very, very quiet. The Liberty Bell will always be remembered for being cracked. This bell will be remembered for being stolen by a crack addict named Liberty.

Extreme Sports: Employees of a local Wal-Mart called police after a man attempted to shoplift from their store. They told officers the man hopped on a Tony Hawk bicycle and tried to ride out of the store, but he was tackled before he could reach the door. Mark that up on the list of surveillance videos I wish I could watch. A Tony Hawk bicycle? Isn't that like playing with a Jake Delhomme basketball?

Getting Screwed: A 27-year-old man called police after his house was broken into. He told officers that the suspect(s) took a mountain bike, $300 worth of porno DVDs and his wedding band. Damn, I don't know which one you should tell your wife about first. You know she's not going to give you any for a while for losing the ring – and now all your porn's gone.

Keep Up: A 29-year-old man filed a police report after his car was broken into outside his apartment. The man told police his passenger window was broken and certain items removed. Those certain items he reported were ketchup packets, which were "recovered" less than 20 feet away. You should thank your lucky stars. When most people lose ketchup packets in such a tragic way, they never see them again.

Biggest Idiot Ever: A 37-year-old man called 911 and had police dispatched to his house after suffering during a horrible emergency. When officers arrived, he told them his passport was lost somewhere in the house. He stated that he remembers having his passport in a briefcase, but after moving homes recently, he can't find the briefcase. He is almost positive it was not stolen. Well, I know my iPod is somewhere in this room, so as soon as I get done with this column, I am alerting the authorities.

Man Vs. Wild: A Wal-Mart employee called police after two men were caught shoplifting. The men tried to leave the store with two fishing poles. They apparently didn't know Wal-Mart sells fish.

Best Idea Ever: A Pizza Hut deliveryman called police because he was duped by two teenagers. He told police that when he arrived at a house to deliver a pizza, the house obviously was vacant, but two young men answered the door. They acted friendly until the pizza was in their hands, then they took off through the back door, never to be seen again. I'm impressed.

Threats of the Year

• A 33-year-old woman called police after receiving a very detailed threat from a known suspect. She told officers the woman called her at 10 a.m. and stated, "You are not going to take my car and my money. I will send my son who is a thug and his friends who are gang thugs to take care of you and your vehicles and make sure that you are there when you leave so they can follow you home." Don't sell your son short – I'm sure he, too, has been promoted to gang thug by now.

• A 16-year-old girl filed a police report after being threatened by an unknown suspect. The man has called the girl repeatedly over the last month and made all sorts of harassing comments. During one call he said, "I will kill you. I will rape you. I will fuck you." Is it going to be in that order?

• A 40-year-old woman called police after a known suspect called her one afternoon and threatened her. During the phone call, the suspect stated, "I will get my sister to whip your ass. She just got out of prison. I will kill your dog and your cat and feed them to you." Suddenly I'm very hungry for some Chinese food.

• A 27-year-old woman called police after she was threatened by a known suspect. The woman called her 65 times in a matter of two weeks and stated threats such as, "I will come over to the hood and fuck you up. I will come to your work and fuck you up." Will you fuck me up, Sam I Am? Will you fuck me up eating green eggs and ham?

• In another example of what seems to be growing violence against women this week, a 30-year-old woman reported that a known man grabbed her around the neck and punched her once in the upper lip. The man then left but called her on the phone later on and stated that he would kill her and cut the unborn child from her stomach. Here's to hoping this guy just falls through a manhole or something.

• A 38-year-old woman called police after receiving threatening phone calls from an unknown man. She told police that the man called her three times, and during one of the calls he stated, "I can't wait till you see this sword I got. Don't worry -- you will get acquainted with it real soon." I'm pretty sure this guy's not even talking about weapons at this point.

• A 33-year-old called police after a known suspect threatened her over the phone. The suspect said, "I have a .38 and I will blow your fucking brains out if you come here." Well, this one seems pretty simple: Wherever "there" is, I would stay a good mile or so away from that place for quite some time.

• A 29-year-old woman called police after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend over the phone. The man called and told her, "I'm going to slit your throat just like I cut the brakes on your car." Damn man, you really know how to ruin a surprise ending.

• A couple called police after receiving multiple threatening phone calls from another couple. The suspects have called them 10 times, leaving messages such as, "We'll be there Thursday, you better be careful walking down the street. I should have put two shots in your head. We got a 12 gauge." My personal favorite? "I hope you die, I'm gonna help you die. I wish you were dead." Always have to respect someone ready to give a helping hand.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.