News & Views » Cover

The Best of The Blotter 2009

by

comment

The Blotter is an idiotic weekly crime column published by Creative Loafing and written by an idiotic college student (me) with a dark enough sense of humor to find these ridiculous -- and real -- tales funny.

I find content for the column in an endless pile of police reports that media hounds look over throughout the day, hoping to uncover some juicy stories. Although the reports sometimes become tedious, the main room of the police department can be an interesting place. It offers great culture clashes -- like a rambling old man who, as he's busy filing a police report on his brother for stealing a couple of bucks, greets Fox Charlotte's Morgan Fogarty as if she sees him every night at 10:30 p.m. like he sees her.

Of course, in between skimming the hundreds of yarns about TomToms stolen from cars (c'mon people, take them out when you leave) and juvenile delinquents who run away from home over and over again, there's always something that catches my eye. The one thing that grabs my attention more than anything else is a quotation mark. When people are in heated arguments with significant others or annoying neighbors, they become gifted lyricists; most police reports read like someone was playing Mad Libs: "I'm going to come to your (curse word) house and (verb) your (pet or relative) and then make you (verb) them."

Incidents that happen in high schools have a special place in my heart. Kids have better imaginations than any other criminals. Girls' ponytails, for example, mysteriously end up in flames on their way to the bus stop. And I've grown skeptically suspicious of the high school teacher who doesn't report their sexually abusive student until it's "become an ongoing problem for two weeks."

But, my favorite? Anything involving drunk children or betrayed girlfriends is usually a keeper.

Most of all, I just keep my eyes peeled for things that I could never make up. And, no -- none of items in The Blotter are made up.

All that said, behold the cream of The Blotter's idiotic crop for 2009, as chosen by my trusty editor. Here's hoping that you don't find yourself in the next few pages.

Beatdowns

How Could You?: A 30-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by a man and his daughter in her home. The man put the victim in a sleeper hold and brought her down to the floor. He then pulled out a gun and waved it around in the air, stating that "he had something" for the victim. After the man left, his daughter showed up and told the victim she was going to kick her ass for ever messing with her father. Yeah, how dare you let him put you in a sleeper hold and pull a gun out from his waistband! What were you thinking?

Good Parenting: A 21-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted by her ex-boyfriend. She told officers that the man scratched her face and hit her once in the back of the head during an argument over the way she takes care of the daughter they have together. The daughter was in the room as this incident happened. I guess the guy probably made a lesson out of this and told the daughter, "See, look at Mommy. Nobody likes a crybaby."

Strikeout: A 25-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his girlfriend during an argument. He told officers that at some point during the night, the woman got angry with him and stated that she wanted to kill him. She then threw an iron, a knife and a shoe at him but never hit him. That's so sweet – your girlfriend misses you even when you just walk to the next room. After building a horrible pitching record, the girl just brought it back to the basics and punched him in the left eye with a closed fist.

Break a Leg: Police responded to an assault call after two men who knew each other were involved in a shooting. The victim said that the suspect aimed for and hit his prosthetic leg with a bullet, which then ricocheted into his "remaining" leg. It's tough to tell from the police or news reports whether this was an assault or two kids messing around, but it's clear someone was not thinking on his feet ... or foot.

Think Fast: A 64-year-old man called police after being assaulted in his own home. He told officers that as soon as he entered the front door of his home, a woman started throwing an assortment of knives at him from across the room. The suspect then charged and lunged at him with a knife in her hand. The victim reported that he deflected the knife from the woman's hand and disarmed her without injury. This goes to prove what I've always warned people: You have to stay on your toes because there's always the chance a ninja will be on the other side of any door.

Add a comment