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Teabagging the prez

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I thought I knew what teabagging meant: to dip a man's testicles in and out of your mouth. But during a recent conversation about the Republican teabagging craze, my boyfriend told me that teabagging meant to put your balls into someone else's mouth. A person without balls, he insists, can't do the teabagging. But many people I know think they are the teabagger and their partner is the one being teabagged. An Internet search turns up both definitions. So, Dan, I'm asking you -- as an expert on all things both political and sexual -- do any of us hetero females have a chance of teabagging President Obama? Don't get me wrong: I want to teabag the president for all the right reasons. I'm a supporter. I just want in on any political activity that involves Obama's balls in my mouth.

The Earnest Aspirant

Let's say you were in the West Wing with Barack Obama's sack resting comfortably in your mouth. Perhaps you had done something meritorious -- defeated the Somalian pirates, sworn in Senator Al Franken -- and you were being awarded the Presidential Wattle of Freedom. The New York Times might report, "The president of the United States and a Savage Love reader were spotted 'teabagging' in the Oval Office today."

But while you can teabag with the president, TEA, you don't have what it takes to administer a teabagging to the president. To teabag someone, you need a scrotum with which to teabag them: The teabagger dips sack; a teabaggee receives dipped sack. It's a little confusing, I realize, in that it's the opposite of a blowjob: The person with a dick in his or her mouth is giving the blowjob; the person being sucked is receiving the blowjob. But language is funny that way.

As you've proven in the past with "santorum" and "saddlebacking," you have considerable influence. So to reward the Vermont legislature's recent decision to override the governor's veto and legalize same-sex marriage in that state, why not encourage your listeners and readers to purchase products made in Vermont? And Iowa? Think of it: Your millions of fans could trade in chocolate body paint for maple syrup as the sexy edible substance of choice, all the while supporting this legislative victory and (we hope) spurring others like it.

D.J.'s Fellow Gayby

P.S. I have absolutely no stake in Vermont's economy. I just want my dads to be able to marry one day in the state where my family lives.

That day may come more quickly than we think, DJFG, thanks to the bravery of elected officials in Iowa and Vermont. As for rewarding Iowa and Vermont ... Like most Americans, I consume way more corn syrup than a person should (that shit's in everything), so Iowa is covered; but I will make sure the next bottle of maple syrup I purchase is from Vermont -- but I'll be pouring it on my pancakes, thanks, not my boyfriend. Food is for after sex, people, not before, and never, ever during. Food is not a sex toy, not even chocolate.

My boyfriend refuses to have any kind of intercourse with me while my Aunt Flo is visiting. I'm not asking to have sex when I'm on my heavy days, just at the beginning and tail ends of my period. He says it's disgusting, even if he wears a condom, and that it makes his stomach turn to even think about it. I find this terribly frustrating because my period lasts a good 10 days (according to his definition), and I have to go without any loving the whole time. And yet he expects me to blow him on a regular basis during that time. I love him, and I'd rather not DTMFA over this. What can I do?

Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return

Only blow him on days when he hasn't used his penis to urinate.

Because really, how can he ask you to suck cock on days when pee comes out of his thing? That's just as disgusting -- it's more disgusting -- than a little bit of blood on the condom. And any guy who can't handle a little bit of blood shouldn't be asking his girlfriend to ingest whatever trace amounts of urine might be lurking in his urethra. But if he wants you to blow him -- to keep him content during your period -- then he needs to find a way to do the same for you. If he can't bring himself to fuck you during your period, AFTER, then at the very least he can help you get off with a vibrator, or engage in outercourse with you, or mutual masturbation, or eat your pussy through a wad of Saran Wrap.

If he won't do any of that, reconsider DTMFA.

Here's your chance to deal with the problems of a couple of senior citizens: I am a woman in my late 60s, and my "boyfriend" is five years older. We were lovers long ago. He came looking for me a few years ago and we reunited. We live on opposite sides of the country, so we only see each other for a few weeks every year. For various reasons, that is unlikely to change.

I love this man very much. Our sex life is great, and the rest is pretty good, too. All of the things I loved about him fortysome years ago still apply. He is kind, generous, smart and funny.

I have known for a couple of years that he was interested in BDSM. He sees himself as a sub. I found out when he accidentally (?) left something on my computer. But he claims that all he does is "chat" online with a number of doms. He has never asked me to role-play with him, and I'm not sure I could do it. It doesn't disgust me; it might be rather fun, but I think I might just get the giggles!

Here is the dilemma: I recently found out that in fact he has seen a dom in person. At this point, he does not know that I know. I can live with his wanting that as part of his life and that he apparently doesn't see me in that role. What does concern me is that he has not been truthful and open with me about this and that perhaps he has exposed himself (and thus me) to health risks.

Assuming that you don't tell me to dump him, can you give me any advice about how to broach this subject with him? At the very least, he needs to know that I require honesty in our relationship.

Subless In Seattle

Very few professional dominants have sex with their clients, SIS, which is what attracts some women to this particular field of sex work. Doing domination allows women to reap the financial rewards of sex work without running the usual risks, e.g., sexually transmitted infections and arrest. (Pay the "nice" lady to beat you off? Totally illegal. Pay the "mean" lady to beat you? Totally legal.) Doing professional domination does, however, require more of an investment up front -- the gear is expensive, expertise takes time to acquire (fucking is easy, flogging is hard), and a sub paying $500 an hour is going to want to be dominated in a tricked-out dungeon, not a studio apartment with a futon on the floor.

So what should you do, SIS? Seeing as you're not married to this man, and seeing as you only get together a few weeks a year, it's highly unlikely that he'll stop seeing pro doms even if you extract that promise from him. So why not be the hero, SIS? Give him permission to do what he's going to do anyway, and you'll become the focus of his gratitude and not his guilt.

Broach the subject by telling him that you know he's been seeing a professional dominant and that's fine. Tell him that he can go on seeing a pro dom with your blessing -- so long as there's no sexual contact and so long as he's honest with you about it. If he can do the sub thing with a professional without sneaking around and the sex-and-intimacy-and-companionship thing with you without being dishonest, then everybody wins -- him, you, and a hard-working professional dominant with her own bills to pay.

Impress upon him that all of this is conditional on his being honest with you -- about everything -- and that these domination sessions, which you recognize are sexually arousing, don't include any actual sex.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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