Well, get ready, because our unique matchmaking service is going to do the dating work for you if you fork over enough serious coinage! We call it "Let's Get Punched!" Successful single professionals like yourself really don't have time to eat a whole meal with somebody who might turn out to be a jerk you'd never want to see again, so we arrange quickie punch-bowl meetings instead. These take place in our office after an in-depth screening process during which we ask such penetrating questions as, "What color soul does your dream date have?"
Besides being low-carb, and we know how all you successful single professionals are counting your carbs, punch provides you with the opportunity to pick up crucial information about a person simply by observing whether or not they know their way around a cut glass bowl.
Guys, you can envision what kind of hostess and business accessory your prospective bride would be, just by how she ladles out the cups. Any spillage could be a warning sign that a future Mrs. Myers Park she's not.
Gals, pay sharp attention to such social blunders as your possible future groom serving himself first or trying to fish maraschino cherries from the melting ice ring. Would you want him doing that at your wedding reception? We didn't think so!
Then there's the critical crooking of the pinkie, always a strong indicator of good breeding in both genders. We also cleverly spike our punch, so you have the opportunity to see how your prospective date handles alcohol. If your punch partner slams back multiple cups, ends up with his head in the ice ring, or tries to pass you a maraschino cherry with her teeth, it's back to the member files for us.
Let's talk about the singles who make up our members -- our punchers, as we like to call them. Have we mentioned that they're professionals? Of course they are! It's documented that professionals make superior spouses, maybe because they show such sterling values in choosing their professions, money having absolutely nothing to do with it!
Speaking of upstanding values, a large number of our members are lawyers. We all know what a lively, principled group of folks they are, almost as stimulating as engineers, and we have a bunch of them, too. Anyone who spent that many years memorizing minutiae has got to be a rollicking barrel of fun!
It's true -- 99.9 percent of our punchers are college-educated (it would be 100 percent, but during a slow month we let in that guy with just a GED who agreed to pay triple the joining fee). Whether or not their parents could afford to send them to some school says so much about a person's character and true inner worth, not to mention their IQ, even though there's an institution of higher learning for every idiot if you've got the money.
Punchers tend to be dynamic individuals who crave physical challenge and absolutely worship the outdoors that they occasionally glimpse through their cubicle holes while pursuing their lofty professions. The typical puncher weekend might well include rappelling, mountain biking, and diving off a high cliff into churning water.
That they both feel rapturously about kayaking will come in really handy when it's 3am and their infant is shrieking from a high fever. Being into buying and showing off expensive athletic gear is such an important value to share, for the matrimonial long haul we carefully screen all potential punchers to make sure they exhibit it.
But enough of all this "values" chit-chat, we know the most important quality you're seeking in a possible life partner: good looks. We assure you that to join the puncher clan, a single must be attractive as well as professional. Just glance at the photos of our staff members lining this ad. We're all attractive, and even though none of us would be caught dead using a service like this, our attractiveness sends the firm message that only the physically appealing need apply.
Perhaps you'd like to hear something about our founder, Mindy Marky. Mindy started "Let's Get Punched!" after annulling her marriage because her new groom, an uneducated, unattractive nonprofessional, sloshed punch all down her wedding gown. She resolved then and there to make it her life's mission to bring together superior, upscale singles so that none of them would have to suffer the indignity she suffered.
BTW (or as comedians used to say, seriously, folks), if this pitch speaks to you, maybe there's a reason you're still single besides your being busybusybusy. Still punch runs shallow.