Sex & Love » Savage Love

Sexual selfishness

by

comment

This is going to sound incredibly naive, but here we go: How does one get better at sex? I'm a 24-year-old female, I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and the sex is just ... meh. He had a couple sex partners before me, but he is my first and only. We've been sexual for almost all of our years together, so it's not like we're wanting for practice.

We often ask each other, "What else can I do for you?" I've shared a couple ideas, which we've explored to my minimal comfort, but he always says "Nothing" when asked if there's anything he wants to do or try. We have discovered that neither of us particularly cares if we, ourselves, reach orgasm, but we both care very deeply that the other is satisfied. In this light: While I don't care much if the sex is mediocre for me, I do want it to be better for him. Do you have any suggestions? Are we doomed?

Still A Noob Apparently

This is going to sound incredibly unhelpful, SANA, but I don't have any suggestions. There are just too many potential unknown unknowns here for me to offer any concrete advice. It's possible that your boyfriend isn't attracted to you (or that you're not attracted to him), it's possible that your boyfriend isn't attracted to anyone (or that you're not attracted to anyone), it's possible that he has dark and terrible sexual desires that he's too terrified to share with you (or that you have dark and terrible etc., that you may not even be aware of).

The only thing I know for sure, SANA, is this: One of you is going to have to nut/ovum up and get selfish. You're both so giving, so unconcerned with your own pleasure, so invested in pleasing your partner. And all of that sounds so wonderful in theory -- who doesn't want a completely selfless sex partner? -- but in practice, selfless sex partners make lousy lays. Giving is great, but in every truly great sexual encounter, someone is taking: taking charge, taking over, taking control, giving pleasure to their partner by taking pleasure from their partner.

And if it's not going to be him, SANA, it'll have to be you. So what do you want? Besides seeing him "satisfied." Take a look at where your concern for his satisfaction has gotten you, SANA, and repeat after me: "Fuck him and fuck his satisfaction." Then ask yourself these questions: What do I want? What turns me on? What do I want to experience and explore? You're not doomed if you can come up with the answers to those questions, SANA, but if you can't, well, then I'm afraid you are doomed. Doomed to lousy sex in this relationship, for as long as it lasts, and doomed to lousy sex in your next relationship if you wind up with another guy who's as "giving" as you are.

I am a 24-year-old lesbian who has been out for five years. I am also hot, vain, in shape, and kinky as all hell. I suppose I'm what you'd call a "lipstick lesbian." In any event, I like being thrown around, tied up, gagged, etc. One of my all-time favorite fantasies is the lesbian equivalent of pegging, i.e., being done up the ass by a hot woman with a strap-on. I like the vanilla stuff as well -- holding, kissing, cuddling, dyking it up -- but what I'm really into is bondage. And my last girlfriend dumped me when I mentioned that I liked to be tied up. My question is, are there other young, kinky, sexaholic feminine lesbians/bisexual women out there? Am I a complete freak? Or am I just being a sexually selfish boor? Should I just try to let go of my kinks?

Domination Yearnings Keep Encounters Stimulating

P.S. Thank you so much for all the times you've emphasized that straight men who are into pegging are just that -- straight. It helped me to accept that my own pegging fantasies don't make me any less a lesbian, because so much of their appeal comes from the fact that it would be a woman doing the pegging.

Only a small percentage of women are lesbians, DYKES, and an even smaller number of that already-small number are kinky. Your best strategy is to be out about your kinks from the start, so that you don't waste any more of your time and vanity-inducing hotness on women who won't tie your ass up.

Add a comment