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Sex scares Fox News

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Men enjoy porn, but women don't. Here's something women enjoy that men don't: vibrators. Just as men feel threatened by vibrators ("My cock isn't good enough for you?"), women feel threatened by porn ("My tits aren't good enough for you?"). And when women cry, "What if the children found those stashed in the garage?!" men can respond, "What if the children found your vibrator?!"

Desires Erotic Balance (CL, Aug. 3) should use a vibrator while her boyfriend uses porn.

Vice Is Barely Erotic

Yeah, vibrators are probably a better example of something dirty that women enjoy and (most) men do not — certainly better than cupcakes with pink sprinkles. I stand corrected. (But most people don't have incriminating porn stashes in the garage these days, VIBE, they have incriminating browser histories.)

And speaking of vibrators: Taylor Momsen — one of the stars of Gossip Girl — recently "divulged" to Disorder Magazine that her "best friend is her vibrator." Fox News wrote up the "scandal," of course, but got quotes only from antisex nutters: batshit Catholic reactionary Bill Donohue, conservative radio yakker Michael Medved, an elderly grandmother who runs a parenting organization, and some douchebag from the National Center for Biblical Parenting who predicted that Momsen's actions "will result in failure in her life."

There are no quotes — in the interest of fairness and balance — from anyone who doesn't see vibrators as battery-operated tools of the devil. No one is allowed to point out that sex toys are common, completely mainstream, and safe for use by young women. A vibrator is a low-risk alternative to intercourse with, say, Chace Crawford. (No risk of pregnancy, disease, or Axe body spray.) And no one is allowed to point out that the age of consent in New York is 17. Momsen may not be old enough to walk into a sex shop — which I find ridiculous — but anyone old enough to have a dick in her twat is old enough to have a vibrator in her nightstand.

And social and cultural conservatives are apparently unaware of e-commerce. It's true, Bill Donohue, that the young lady isn't old enough to walk into a sex shop — or as Fox News so delicately put it: "[Momsen] is not legally of age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia." But vibrators aren't just sold in sex shops anymore. Amazon has a nice selection of vibrators. So young ladies who require vibrators don't need to be of legal age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia. All they need is Internet access and a credit card.

So I have to know, Dan: What is your opinion on vajazzling?

Vajazzle Azzle Gadazzle

Asking for my opinion on vajazzling, VAG, is like asking a vegan for her opinion on the wallpaper in a steak house. I'm simply too revolted by what's on the menu to take much notice of the decor.

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