Dear Diary, Happy New Year! OK, I know a blog isn't the same as a diary, but that's the only way I can get comfortable writing this thing, so please humor me.
First, what a great Christmas Bob and I had! With an election coming up, we thought it would look better if we gave most of our Christmas fund to our favorite charities (Bob's: the Rita Hayworth Memorial Home for Wounded Veterans With Erectile Dysfunction. Mine: the Foundation for Barbie Withdrawal Syndrome). We exchanged our traditional gifts, too. Yes, Bob gave me the Tammy Faye Monster Make-Up Blitz-o-tron 3000, and I gave him a hard time (just kidding -- get it? Hard time? Those Viagra ads he starred in? Ha-ha.) Note to self: maybe cut back on the post-Christmas Mimosas in the morning.
I got oh-so-many many nice cards from my beloved constituents during the holiday season, and I loved every one. Most of them were from my most loyal fans -- you know who you are, the ones I've been fighting for, tooth and nail, during my term in the Senate: big banks, humongous oil companies, good white Christian folks, pharmaceutical companies and defense contractors.
I also received a few cards from actual voters in my beautiful home state of ... where is it again? Wow, that last Mimosa really did a number on my head ... Oh! North Carolina! That's right, good ol' N.C., the state I couldn't wait to leave 40 years ago, and that I've rarely seen since, except when I decided to run for office. But the people there are such dears -- they consider me a real down-home gal even after I've been wheeling and dealing in D.C. since before schools were integrated. You gotta love 'em.
Now, Dear Diary/Blog, I know you've seen the latest polls, and you know it's not good news. They say I'm "vulnerable." But you know what? I don't believe 'em. I don't think voters in ... umm, South ... no, North Carolina ... would want to vote for either of the two Democrats who are running. One of 'em, that Jim Neal, is a queer, for God's sake -- in North Carolina! I mean, get real. And Kay Hagan! I mean, is she serious? She wants to run against me -- with that pitiful hairdo? And did you see the outfit she wore when she announced she was running? Off. The. Rack. Great gravy biscuit, I can't believe they're saying she has a real chance! I thought the folks in ... North Carolina! (Hooray, remembered it on the first try that time! The Mimosas are finally wearing off) knew the difference between Prada and T.J. Maxx.
Bob says no matter how Southern Belle-ish I act, I'm still gonna need to fight to keep my Senate seat, so maybe I should get ready for a brawl. I know it's been a rough six years -- heck, eight years! I still haven't forgotten how badly my feelings were hurt when I got my butt kicked (what was it Ronnie used to call butts? "Keisters" -- he was so cute) when I ran for president. Granted, I felt better after the Senate election in 2002, but then I had to take that awful job as head of the Party's U.S. Senate campaign in 2006. We took what my Paw-Paw would've called a "real ass-whuppin'," I guess, but it wasn't my fault that we couldn't raise money. Hello? Unpopular president? Unpopular war? Yeah, George, you didn't leave me much to work with.
I hope the voters in ... North Carolina! will remember all I've done for them, Dear Diary. Dear Bloggy. Bloggery. Whatever. After all, the banks and financial services industry are huge down in Charlotte, and God knows I helped them all I could. If it wasn't for me, ordinary people who get sick and suffer a financial catastrophe could still get out of debt by declaring bankruptcy -- buncha deadbeats, if you ask me. And raising the minimum wage? I wish we could've voted that down. Oh well, at least I was on the right side for business. Plus, how about all those companies that move American jobs out of the country? If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have a federal tax subsidy anymore. I guarantee they're thankful that when push came to shove, I was in the Senate instead of some gay guy or a slob in a cheap dress. When you get right down to it, I don't think I can be beaten -- Carolina is Christian country, by God, so there's no way they're gonna forget that I voted against stem cell research and money for reducing teen pregnancy. And hey, I've got a magic bullet waiting for any Democrat who challenges me: Hispanics. Who voted for the Secure Fence Act? Who's against amnesty for illegal aliens? If any Democrat starts making waves, I'll just jump up and down and yell about the immigrants taking all the good folks' jobs. That ought to do it. Heck, it worked for Jesse; it'll work for me.
-- downhome gal