I headed north last week to do Savage Love Live — a rapid-fire, slightly tipsy Q&A session — at the University of Alaska Anchorage. It was my third visit to UAA and it was a blast. All of the questions in this week's column were submitted to me by UAA students and staffers.
Should I go ahead and divorce my fantastic wife of 23 years now because gay marriage is going to destroy it eventually anyway? — Tony From Wasilla
You might as well do it now, TFW, if only to beat the rush. Just in the last few weeks, the 9th Circuit ruled that California's Prop 8 is unconstitutional, the governor of Washington State signed marriage equality into law, and marriage equality campaigns made huge strides in Maryland and Maine. Pretty soon, all the lawyers who specialize in "traditional divorce" are going to be booked solid as traditional marriages buckle under the strain of all of this equality nonsense. Wait too long to get divorced, TFW, and you may not be able to get divorced at all. Find a lawyer now!
I am with a girl who is a female ejaculator. It's pretty cool, but the quantity of ejaculate is way too much. Am I getting peed on here? — Tidal Wave
You're not getting peed on. (Science says: female ejaculate ≠ urine.) But don't take my word for it, TW: Ask your girlfriend to piss on you sometime, and see if you can't tell the difference.
My friend is a lesbian but recently started dating a gay man. They seem really happy. What does that make them? They were both really active in the LGBT community before getting together. — Confused Straight Ally
You see that "B" in LGBT, CSA? It stands for "bisexual," and it's there for a reason. Your friend may have been B all along, or perhaps she's just B for this one particular guy, and he's B for her, but there's really nothing to be confused about, and your friends can and should remain active in the LGBT community.
I'm a lesbian, and my friend who is a bi male keeps asking me to peg him. How should I deal with this? — Not Into Boys
If it doesn't bother you, NIB, laugh it off. If it does bother you, slap him down.
How do you tell a more-than-a-friend that his hygiene is an issue? — The New Girlfriend
"Hey, big boy, you stink. Jump in the shower — there's a blowjob in it for you."
I can't brag to my friends, but I need to brag publicly and anonymously: I had a threesome for the first time, and it was AWESOME. Highly recommended! — Fun Unicorn Completes Kinksters
Another perceived-to-be-monogamous couple that actually isn't monogamous! Welcome to the monogamish club, FUCK!
My husband wants to be spanked. This is beyond my comfort zone. What can I do to get over this apprehension? Practice on the dogs and cats? — Can't Go There
A woman who spanks her dogs and cats goes to actual jail, CGT, but a woman who spanks her husband goes to GGG heaven. But if you simply can't get over your apprehension, outsource those spankings to your friendly local professional dominant.
My female partner demanded that I get a circumcision. I told her I would get one if she did. She told me I was a sexist asshole. I don't see where she gets off asking me to mutilate myself if she won't. Am I wrong? — Uncut About Anchorage
You weren't wrong to refuse to cut yourself for her, UAA, but you were wrong to equate "female circumcision" with male circumcision. A woman who's been "circumcised" — a woman who has been subjected to genital mutilation — has had her clit cut off. The male equivalent would be the removal of the head of the cock, not the foreskin.