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Rape fantasies and fetishes you hate to love


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I'm a straight 26-year-old man who wants advice on helping my fiancée realize a particular fantasy. We have been dating for three years and are in a happy monogamous relationship. I was always vanilla, but she enjoys rougher sex and light bondage. We've incorporated some of this into our sex lives, and we are both happy with how fun it is. She has expressed interest in a rape fantasy. Both of us want to be safe when we do this, and we trust each other completely. But I cannot think of a way in which she can get the experience she desires while still maintaining a safe dynamic. I am wondering if you have advice on how I can help act out her fantasy in a way that we both have fun.

Seeking Erotic Advice Now

You and the fiancée are obviously capable of communicating about varsity-level sex play, SEAN; your track record with bondage and rougher sex demonstrates that. Now you just have to use the same interpersonal skills that made your past kinky fuckfests possible — along with the same respect for limits, boundaries, and each other — to negotiate and realize your girlfriend's edgy-but-thoroughly-common fantasy.

I recommend reading "Rape Fantasy: How to Carry It Out Safely," a long and thoughtful post at Slut Lessons (, an engaging sex blog that's sadly no longer being updated. The first recommendation from Educated Slut, the site's anonymous author: Maybe we shouldn't call them "rape fantasies" at all.

"A rape fantasy is almost invariably more about forced sex and not a desire to actually BE raped by someone," writes Educated Slut. "Very few people have the desire to be put through the physical and emotional trauma of a real rape. This is the primary reason I refer to this as 'forced sex fantasy' rather than rape fantasy; it just gives the wrong impression to some people."

You might to be one of those people, SEAN. You seem to be under the impression that there's something inherently more dangerous about realizing/role-playing your way through a forced-sex scenario. And it may be more dangerous and/or triggering on an emotional level — talking through any past traumas or fears will be important—but slapping the label "rape fantasy" on rough(er) sex shouldn't result in you having some sort of out-of-body experience that leads you to go apeshit on your helpless fiancée. Talk things through in advance, just like you have before, agree on a safe word — a word that stops the action cold should either of you utter it — and take it slow the first few times you go for it.

I'm a single straight guy and this is probably going to sound really stupid, but... I basically stumbled over the cuckold fetish and I can't get it out of my mind. It's worrying, since I fear that one day it might end up spoiling things when I fall in love with someone since I'm a bit of a jealous person. The idea of a cheating woman is really hot in spite of all of that. Is it possible to have a fetish you hate?

Baffled About Romantic Future

We don't know exactly where people's fetishes and kinks come from — how or why someone's erotic imagination snaps on an inanimate object (high heels, leather gear, rubber masks) or a particular sexual scenario (cuckolding, role-play, outdoor sex) — but we can safely say that people don't stumble into their fetishes or kinks.

So what did happen to you, BARF? Your particular kink was already in there somewhere, already rattling around in your erotic subconscious, but you couldn't articulate it — it didn't take shape — until you finally "stumbled over" the images and narratives you were looking for all along. And your kink, like the kinks of so many other people, seems to be grounded in insecurity and fear — you're the jealous type, you fear being cheated on, and your erotic imagination/reptile brain took your fears and spun them into a kink. Congrats.

On to your question: Yes, you can have a fetish you hate, i.e., you can have a kink you don't want to act on because the fantasy can't be realized for moral or ethical reasons (it involves children, nonconsensual acts, Donald Trump) or because you're fairly certain doing so would suck for emotional or physical reasons (potentially traumatizing, physically dangerous, Donald Trump).

Time will determine if your feelings of disgust are merely your run-of-the-mill, beneficial-to-overcome kink negativity or if they're a sign cuckolding should remain a go-to masturbatory fantasy for you, BARF, without ever become a cheating-woman reality.


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