My son is 19, but due to some physical and social disabilities (mostly unseen), his emotional maturity level is closer to 14, though he is quite intelligent. After a lifetime of therapists, specialized education and other interventions, he is now a freshman in college far from home. His dad and I are paying for his tuition, room and board, and books. He was expected to use his summer job earnings for personal expenses. His lack of social skills makes him dependent on alcohol and cigarettes to form his social life, and that plus his immaturity (imagine sending your son to college at age 14) means he went through his money quickly. But he is still drinking and smoking and getting high. When he was home for his last break, I asked him how he affords to do this, and he wouldn't tell me. You can imagine what went through my head. (Drug dealing?) I asked if it was safe and legal, and he said yes. After some snooping, I learned that he is using a webcam service for chats with men who offer "tips" for sexual viewing. I suppose this is technically safe and legal, but because I'm unfamiliar with the technology involved, I don't know if he is putting himself at risk emotionally or if screenshots can be captured that can affect his future career, relationships, etc. I'm a longtime follower of your column, podcast and books, and I hope that someday my son and I will be as close as you and your mother were. So tell me, Dan: What would Judy Savage do?
Worried Over Repercussions Regarding Incriminating Employment Deal
Webcamming — aka camwhoring — is widely regarded as the safest form of sex work. Webcammers aren't in the same room with their clients (unlike strippers, lap dancers, escorts, foot-fetish-party girls, pro doms, etc.), and cammers have the ability to instantly block creepy, rude or abusive viewers. But there are risks, WORRIED, chief among them how easily viewers can take screengrabs and record videos of a cammer's sessions. So if your son is planning on a career as a teacher or a cop or a politician, it's possible that pics and videos could come back to haunt him.
But with so many young people out there swapping dirty pics and videos (and so many old people doing it, too), and with so many students camming their way through college (getting naked online is arguably less of a risk to someone's future prospects than crushing student-loan debt), a time when everyone will have a few incriminating images circulating online is quickly coming. And at that point — which will likely coincide with your son's entry into the workforce — a few stray dirty pics, videos or GIFs won't be the career-ending scandal that it is today.
Now here's what Judy Savage, my late mom, would've said if she discovered that one of her four kids was camwhoring to pay college expenses: "You're an adult, and I can't tell you what to do. You are going to make your own choices and you're going to make your own mistakes. But you do have to listen to my concerns. You owe me that." Hesitating to hear Mom out would result in a single raised eyebrow — a move that had a paralyzing effect on me and my siblings — and then Mom asking if we would rather talk about her four C-section scars instead.
We always chose to hear her out.
So have a conversation with your son, WORRIED, but first familiarize yourself with the technology and the phenomenon that is camming. The New York Times wrote a great story on the risks and rewards of camming ("Intimacy on the Web, With a Crowd," September 21, 2013), and the first episode of HBO's Real Sex reboot, Sex//Now, focuses on camming. Checking out both might help you have a more informed, less freaked-out conversation with your son about how he's paying for his booze, cigarettes and pot.
I am a straight 19-year-old girl in college. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of several months, and during that relationship, I met this other guy, one of his friends. This friend has been in a relationship for 2.5 years. But his girlfriend cheated on him, and now he has a free card to go fuck someone else. He wants that person to be me! We have fooled around some, but even though I am not looking for a relationship right now, I have reservations about fucking someone who is in a relationship, even if it's on a Go Fuck Someone Else card. Advice?
Uneasy And Unsure
Unless there are just two guys at your college — your ex and this dude with the Go Fuck Someone Else card — I would urge you to fuck someone else. This scenario has drama written all over it. Your ex will be pissed at you for fucking his friend, he'll be pissed at his friend for fucking you, the friend's girlfriend will be pissed at you for fucking her boyfriend — GFSE card or no GFSE card. Who needs that kind of grief? Find a hot student, RA, TA or prof who isn't in your circle and fuck him instead.