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Revealing too much too soon



I am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman. I am a pretty GGG kind of gal. I am generally not put off easily, even if I am told things that don't quite do it for me.

So I just started seeing this guy. I haven't known him for long -- no serious sexual activity other than mild foreplay. The other night, a few drinks in, we ventured into talking about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches, he said that he likes videos of "dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs." Now mind you, I like being treated like a dirty whore. And I love porn. But for some reason, this put me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am apprehensive about seeing him again.

Was my reaction legit? I've indulged other partners in bondage, BDSM, power games, and so on (which I am very much into). So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep?

Turned Off And Displeased

First, TOAD, I want to praise you for trusting your gut and getting out of there. Everyone should follow your example: When someone is making you uncomfortable, folks, emulate TOAD -- make your excuses and bolt. On to your question ...

You've liked being treated like a dirty whore and you've done BDSM with other guys, so why are you judging this particular guy?

Someone who's turned on by extreme power games -- hard-core BDSM, degradation, verbal abuse, role-play scenarios, sexist stereotypes -- has to demonstrate that he (or she) is not just extremely trustworthy, TOAD, but extremely sensible. And when this guy shared his interest in some pretty extreme kinks so early in the relationship ("haven't known him for too long"), your gut rightly told you that this "nice, good-looking guy" wasn't someone with whom you would feel safe.

Because when he told you about his extreme kinks, you simply didn't know him well enough to say to yourself, "Hey, that's some hard-core shit there -- but he's proved himself to be a good person and I would feel safe doing this stuff with him." And not only didn't you know him well enough to come to that conclusion, he should've known that you didn't know him well enough to come to that conclusion.

By sharing his kinks too soon, this seemingly nice guy demonstrated poor judgment and worse impulse control. And rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control are the first and second things we should look for in someone whose sexual interests are way the fuck out there.

I don't think he should've lied, TOAD, but he should have had the common sense to kick the conversation down the road or downplay without misrepresenting, i.e., instead of saying, "I'm into dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs," he could have said, "I'm into experienced business women, some intense role-play scenarios, and I'm intrigued by group sex scenes with significant gender imbalances." Then, after you got to know each other a bit better, and after he had proved himself to be a decent, trustworthy guy with rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control, he could've opened up a bit more and given you a clearer picture of his kinks, and perhaps done so without creeping you out.

I'm not saying that he's a creep or an abuser or a wannabe rapist -- or that he's not all of those things. Maybe he's just young and inexperienced and hasn't learned how to talk about his creepy kinks without creeping people out. It's up to you whether you give him a second chance -- but make the next date a dry one, and if he creeps you out, trust that gut of yours, make your excuses, and bolt.

A good friend of mine is engaged to a woman with an extremely low sex drive. He'd like to have sex every day; she barely responds to his touch. I advised him to work up the nerve to suggest an "understanding" or to disengage. If he's this frustrated as a 27-year-old fiancé, how is he going to feel after five years in a monogamous marriage?

Concerned Buddy

Either your buddy won't be married in five years or he won't be monogamously married. Either way, CB, you spoke up, and that's all a friend is required to do under the circumstances. Now you have to stand back and let your buddy make the biggest mistake of his life.

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