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Reader requests more old-time raunch

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What happened to your column? I remember back when your columns involved wonderful details about things like proper dildo protocol, indulging odd fetishes, and funny sex adventures. Now it's all about the philosophy of what loving relationships should truly entail. I miss the old Dan who would coach readers on how to put large things inside themselves and recount funny/titillating anecdotes.

Where's My Dirt?

Google happened to my column.

Back in the getting-large-things-inside-my-readers days, people would write me and ask, "How do I get this large thing inside of me?" Now people can turn to Google for information about how to get their large things inside themselves. Another question I used to get all the time: "What's a cock ring?" Now cock rings have their own Wiki page.

There's just so much good, basic info about sex online — including basic how-to info — that people don't have to ask me for basic information about fetishes or kinks or dildo protocols anymore. So most of the questions I get nowadays, and most of the ones I answer, are about relationships. Don't blame me, WMD, blame Google's algorithms.

I'm a 25-year-old gay male with a foot fetish. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lets me indulge by rubbing his feet. When I brought him home to meet the folks, at one point he took his shoes off and casually rested his feet in my lap while sitting in the living room with my parents. I felt really weird about rubbing his feet with my parents looking on. My boyfriend thinks I shouldn't worry because my parents don't know about my kink and a foot rub looks innocent enough. Am I right to feel weird about this?

Bear Foot Fetishist

Let's say your parents ran across shitloads of gay foot fetish porn on your computer when you were still a teenager. Are your mom and dad the kind of open-minded, sexually progressive parents who would ruin your sex life forever by initiating a mortifying conversation about what they found? Or are they the kind of closed-minded, sexually inhibited parents who would do the right thing and never, ever mention what they found? Hopefully the latter.

So it's entirely possible that your parents do know about your kink, BFF, and that they were deeply weirded out when your new boyfriend went out of his way to give you a boner while they were sitting there. For all you know, your parents are at home right now questioning your judgment and wondering how they can get out of inviting your boyfriend for Thanksgiving without seeming like homophobes.

And speaking of questionable judgment: I've watched a lot of hot boys from small towns wash up in my urban hellhole over the years. These boys typically leverage their good looks to get jobs making coffee/burritos/drinks/whatever, and then, over the course of a year or two, throw their good looks away with the assistance of booze, cigarettes, tattoo artists, and professional piercers. I get it: Nothing stays the same, all things die, and these guys aren't trying to earn social or sexual currency with the old fags in the hood.

But there's this one person who works in a place near my office who, having already gone in for full tattoo sleeves on both arms, recently stuck a pair of plugs in his earlobes. His plugs are moderately sized, but I worry that they're going to get bigger and bigger until this boy — who's just so damn lovely — turns his earlobes into earlabia. (That's what they look like when people walk around without the plugs in.) They're not my ears, I realize, and this boy, like all the other hipster boys, can do what he likes with his own earlobes. But earlabia don't look good on anybody. Please make a note of it, hipster boys.

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