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Poll Results Censored

What is local government hiding?

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An extensive investigation and five margaritas have revealed that poll results from a Charlotte-Mecklenburg government Web site were deleted from an on-air story broadcast on local government television. The questions, prepared for Char-Meck's exciting Government Channel and GOV-TV, were posted on the government Web site and answered by hundreds of area residents. For some reason, these were not among the questions chosen to be used on the air.

Which of these would you rather watch?

2% Mecklenburg Matters

5% City Source

35% A fire in a trash can

58% A Mentos-and-Pepsi explosion

Which episode of The Mecklenburgers did you enjoy the most?

20% Latta Plantation Park episode

13% The one where Jennifer runs for mayor

67% What is The Mecklenburgers?

What would you like to see The Mecklenburgers do?

39% Host open mic night at the Double Door Inn

24% Picnic at Tyvola/Park Rd. waste treatment plant

20% Start a family-friendly needle exchange program

17% Move to the west coast

Which episode of the County Commission meetings did you enjoy the most?

44% The Gang of Five arts funding controversy

40% School-building funds rejected at the last minute

16% The one where Dan Bishop dozed off and started drooling

What would convince you to watch more government meetings on TV?

8% Free TiVo

24% $2,000 in 20-dollar bills.

30% Boring debates and voting replaced by Texas Hold 'Em poker

38% Unlimited lawn-watering privileges during droughts

Government services you'd like to see:

15% Hot towels for trial jurors

26% Sheriff Dept. serves croissants and latte with subpoenas

59% Public beatings of slow drivers who stay in left lane

Will new Schools Supt. Peter Gorman improve CMS test scores?

18% Yes, he is Jesus in a suit

11% Yes, after Gauvreau and Leake "unexpectedly" found floating in Lake Norman

71% Please. It's Charlotte. He's toast.

What would you like to see Supt. Gorman do on GOV-TV?

6% Spin seven plates simultaneously

19% Announce new CMS "Cheat Sheet Initiative"

25% Tell CMS they can take back their goddamned big-bucks job for all he cares

50% Shave

Which City Council member is the hottest?

32% Michael Barnes

25% Anthony Foxx

5% Susan Burgess

38% All others

Which County Commissioner is most likely to have smoked pot?

40% Valerie Woodard

38% Jennifer Roberts

18% Parks Helms

4% All others

Which County Commissioner is most likely to have attended a Klan rally?

71% Jim Puckett

26% Bill James

3% All others

Who is the dumbest School Board member?

71% Larry Gauvreau

15% George Dunlap

8% Joe White

6% All others

If you could smack the shit out of any local government official, who would it be?

30% Bill James

21% Larry Gauvreau

19% Pat McCrory

15% Susan Burgess

10% County Manager Harry Jones

5% All others

In hell, you would have to sit next to:

3% Moira Quinn

4% Pubic Transit Director Ron Tober

18% Suzanne Stevens

75% City Manager Pam Syfert

Thanks to Chris Kelly in Mirth of A Nation for the idea. Note: This is satire. There was no poll; these results are what is known as "comedic fiction."

E-mail John Grooms at john.grooms@creativeloafing.com.

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