An extensive investigation and five margaritas have revealed that poll results from a Charlotte-Mecklenburg government Web site were deleted from an on-air story broadcast on local government television. The questions, prepared for Char-Meck's exciting Government Channel and GOV-TV, were posted on the government Web site and answered by hundreds of area residents. For some reason, these were not among the questions chosen to be used on the air.
Which of these would you rather watch?
2% Mecklenburg Matters
5% City Source
35% A fire in a trash can
58% A Mentos-and-Pepsi explosion
Which episode of The Mecklenburgers did you enjoy the most?
20% Latta Plantation Park episode
13% The one where Jennifer runs for mayor
67% What is The Mecklenburgers?
What would you like to see The Mecklenburgers do?
39% Host open mic night at the Double Door Inn
24% Picnic at Tyvola/Park Rd. waste treatment plant
20% Start a family-friendly needle exchange program
17% Move to the west coast
Which episode of the County Commission meetings did you enjoy the most?
44% The Gang of Five arts funding controversy
40% School-building funds rejected at the last minute
16% The one where Dan Bishop dozed off and started drooling
What would convince you to watch more government meetings on TV?
8% Free TiVo
24% $2,000 in 20-dollar bills.
30% Boring debates and voting replaced by Texas Hold 'Em poker
38% Unlimited lawn-watering privileges during droughts
Government services you'd like to see:
15% Hot towels for trial jurors
26% Sheriff Dept. serves croissants and latte with subpoenas
59% Public beatings of slow drivers who stay in left lane
Will new Schools Supt. Peter Gorman improve CMS test scores?
18% Yes, he is Jesus in a suit
11% Yes, after Gauvreau and Leake "unexpectedly" found floating in Lake Norman
71% Please. It's Charlotte. He's toast.
What would you like to see Supt. Gorman do on GOV-TV?
6% Spin seven plates simultaneously
19% Announce new CMS "Cheat Sheet Initiative"
25% Tell CMS they can take back their goddamned big-bucks job for all he cares
Which City Council member is the hottest?
32% Michael Barnes
25% Anthony Foxx
5% Susan Burgess
38% All others
Which County Commissioner is most likely to have smoked pot?
40% Valerie Woodard
38% Jennifer Roberts
18% Parks Helms
4% All others
Which County Commissioner is most likely to have attended a Klan rally?
71% Jim Puckett
26% Bill James
3% All others
Who is the dumbest School Board member?
71% Larry Gauvreau
15% George Dunlap
8% Joe White
6% All others
If you could smack the shit out of any local government official, who would it be?
30% Bill James
21% Larry Gauvreau
19% Pat McCrory
15% Susan Burgess
10% County Manager Harry Jones
5% All others
In hell, you would have to sit next to:
3% Moira Quinn
4% Pubic Transit Director Ron Tober
18% Suzanne Stevens
75% City Manager Pam Syfert
Thanks to Chris Kelly in Mirth of A Nation for the idea. Note: This is satire. There was no poll; these results are what is known as "comedic fiction."
E-mail John Grooms at firstname.lastname@example.org.