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Playing by the rules

Sometimes it's hard to know who's getting the facts



I just started an intense relationship with a guy who has a boyfriend. This guy and I love each other. However, he is uncomfortable with me meeting his boyfriend. I've asked if it's OK that we're fucking, and he said they're in an open relationship so it's OK. I asked if it's OK that we're in love, and he said yes. So why the secrecy? My lover's only explanation is that his boyfriend doesn't want to know about the guys he fucks around with. The whole situation is starting to make me uneasy. I can't figure out why I want to know more about his boyfriend. Is it so I can verify that he's not cheating, or that jealousy is an issue for them and that's why I can't meet him? I do know that I wish my lover would be more open with me. Should I just relax?

The Other Person

Monogamous couples have one rule about fucking other people — "don't fuck other people" — but nonmonogamous couples have all sorts of different rules, TOP, and sometimes a particular couple's particular rules make it hard for a third to verify that the partnered person he's sleeping with is, in fact, in an honest and healthy open relationship.

That said, most couples with a "don't want to know about the other people you're fucking" rule — and that's a pretty common rule — also have a rule against getting emotionally involved with the other people they're fucking. So if it's against the rules for the guy you're seeing to introduce his boy-on-the-side to his boyfriend, TOP, odds are good that swapping "I love yous" with his boy-on-the-side is against the rules, too.

Someone is being lied to here. Either this guy is lying to you about being in an open relationship or he's lying to his boyfriend about not getting emotionally involved with the other guys he fucks. Whichever it is, TOP, I don't see a future for you with this guy — or much of a future for him and his boyfriend, frankly.

But to answer your question: No, TOP, don't relax. DTMFA.

I am a 22-year-old female who's only ever achieved orgasm during fellatio, and my boyfriend will not perform fellatio on me! I have tried bringing it up during sex, but he didn't cooperate. He told me that he didn't want to do that to me because a mutual female friend told him that I didn't want him to do that to me. I did tell her that at the beginning of our relationship, but I don't feel that way anymore! I'm way too embarrassed now to ask again, because it would feel like I was begging him for fellatio. Please help me!

Need To Get Mine

Try asking your boyfriend for cunnilingus, NTGM, not fellatio. If that doesn't do the trick — if he doesn't start eating your pussy — then DTMFA.

I'm a straight 32-year-old woman who has been in a monogamous relationship with a guy for two years. Recently, we took the plunge and moved in. Before moving in, we had experimented with some kinky stuff. (I have never come so hard or fast as the first time I fucked him in the ass with a strap-on.) Then he told me, after moving in, that he had given some thought to poly relationships before committing to me. Now I am feeling insecure about the viability of this relationship. Although he claims no desire to be in a poly situation now, I can't help but feel that I alone will ultimately not be able to fulfill him entirely. He is a soul mate who I can see growing with over time. But I worry this relationship is doomed.

Fem Fetish Frosh

This probably isn't what you want to hear, FFF, but here goes: You alone will ultimately never be able to fulfill your boyfriend entirely ... just as he alone will never be able to fulfill you entirely. One person simply can't be all things to another person — sexually or otherwise — and unmet needs, unfulfilled desires, and unexplored possibilities are prices we pay to be in LTRs. Monogamous, polyamorous, Femdom, or whatever: All coupled people walk around feeling a little unfulfilled. (Single people, too.) Because no one gets everything they want.

So, FFF, while some aspects of the polyamorous lifestyle appeal to your boyfriend, he has decided that he prefers the kind of relationship he's in now, with its perks and drawbacks, to the hypothetical polyamorous scenarios he used to contemplate, which would've had their own perks and drawbacks. I'd say your relationship is only doomed if you can't bring yourself to take his "yes" — yes to you, yes to monoamory — for an answer.

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