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Panties in a twist

Striking a blow against patriarchy

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I'm 19, female, bisexual, and have been with the same guy for a year. For Christmas, my mom got me some typical "mom" gifts -- socks and underwear -- but the panties had Disney princesses on them. I feel like a pedophile just owning them! I get it: She doesn't like the idea that I might be having sex, especially with the alarming rate that babies are popping out of teenage girls -- but, come on.

Holiday Blues

Even if Mom was trying to send you a coded message -- and I am not convinced that was her intent -- you can turn the lemons of your mother's disapproval into the lemonade of a good, safe, responsible sex life. Show Mom that her fears were misplaced by making sure you don't get your 19-year-old ass knocked up.

As for feeling like a pedophile, HB, there's nothing pedo about a 19-year-old bi chick in Disney-princess underpants. A little girl in those panties is innocent and darling. A sexually active 19-year-old in those panties is ironic and daring. (A quick poll of straight men -- or man, as the sample size was small -- also revealed that 100 percent consider 19-year-old bisexual girls in Disney panties "sexy as fucking hell.") So when your boyfriend eats your pussy through a pair of your new Disney underpants -- when he filters your vaginal secretions through an image of Jasmine or Ariel or Belle -- he will not only be helping you assert your right to sexual fulfillment despite your mother's disapproval, HB, but helping you deconstruct a patriarchal heteronormative discourse that reifies female purity and holds up female undergarments as moral status markers. And when he services your clit, HB, the boyfriend will also be servicing those princesses. His efforts will transform them into the fully sexual beings their corporate creators never intended them to be.

To think your boyfriend can accomplish all of that -- and strike a blow against repressive monarchical systems, too -- just by eating your pussy while you wear your new panties, HB! And all you have to do is lie back, pull the stick out of your ass, and enjoy.

I have been dating my girlfriend for six months and we are passionate about each other. My girlfriend's best friend is a gay male whom she dated in high school before he came out. I asked my girlfriend about taking a vacation together this year and she told me that she can't because she's going to Italy for two weeks with her gay ex. Is this screwed up or am I freaking out about nothing? I mean, she is going away for two weeks with her ex-boyfriend who now just happens to be gay?!

Jealously Justified

At six months, JJ, you don't have the seniority to make demands on your girlfriend where travel companions are concerned. And he's gay, you idiot. They dated in high school. He is, for all intents and purposes, her girlfriend now -- he probably always was. Seeing as he's just a friend, JJ, why shouldn't she travel with him? What are you afraid of? That he's going to streak her hair over there?

If you can't be chill about this, you're going to sabotage this relationship. You haven't been dating that long, so she either made these plans before you met or before you two became serious. At a year and six months -- maybe -- you would have a right to be aggrieved if she was running off for two weeks with a friend, preventing you two from getting away together. But at this point, any bitching from you is going to raise red flags. If you're smart -- and the jury's out -- you'll say, "Gee, I wish I was going with you -- I can't wait until we can travel together and fuck our way across Europe." And, if you must, you can add, "I know it's completely irrational, but I'm feeling a little jealous and threatened. Tell me again how completely and thoroughly and screamingly gay your ex is, please." Say that with a smile so she'll laugh, then you fake a laugh, and then take them both out to dinner, give them a travel guide, and tell 'em you hope they have fun over there.

And who knows? If you play your cards right, JJ, you might get invited along. But if you act like a jealous, irrational douchebag, you're definitely going to get your ass dumped.

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