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Noisy sex wakin' up the neighbors

Wall of sound

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My question is one of etiquette. My lesbian wife and I live in an apartment. The noise pollution between flats can be pretty bad. Anyone who lives in the building is aware of this, and keeping noise down after certain hours is a common courtesy. I wouldn't play loud music after a certain hour, or let doors slam, or break out the drum kit. If any of these things happen after around 11:30 p.m. on a work night, I don't think I'd feel any qualms about going around to whoever is being inconsiderate and asking them to keep it down. But what about noisy sex? My neighbor's girlfriend is pretty loud during sex. If the racket were being made, say, before midnight, I could bear it. It would be gross, because I think he's slimy and he has a terrible hipster mustache, but I wouldn't be writing to you. I'd just cope as best I could and try to fall back asleep. But what about sex at crazy o'clock? Is it OK for us to pound on the wall and ask them to keep it down? What's your opinion?

Sleepy Lesbians Next Door

I happen to agree with Robert Lopez, Jeff Marx and Jeff Whitty, creators of the Tony Award–winning musical Avenue Q, on the subject of apartment living, thin walls and noisy sex: "You can be as loud as the hell you want when you're makin' love." Or, in this instance, your creepy neighbor with the hipster mustache and his girlfriend can be as loud as the hell they want when they're makin' love. But you and your wife — their annoyed neighbors — can also be as loud as the hell you want when they're making love. You can pound on the walls, SLND, make your displeasure known, scream and yell, etc.

And even if your neighbors don't take the fucking hint and quiet the fucking the fuck down, SLND, the noise you make may bring their annoyingly loud sex to a quicker end. The females of certain species — including our own — get loud during sex, i.e., scream and yell, because it helps the males of their species climax more quickly. (Female copulatory vocalization: It is a real thing with its very own Wikipedia page. Look it up.) If his girlfriend's vocalizations are turning your inconsiderate mustachioed hipster neighbor on, the screams of his two lesbian neighbors could push him past the point of no return.

Squicked out by the thought of giving your inconsiderate hipster neighbor an aural reach-around? Look at it this way: The quicker he comes, the quicker it's over, and the sooner you can get back to sleep.

I am a 22-year-old heterosexual female. I may possibly be bi, but I don't know. I really like the dick, but I am attracted to women and fantasize about fucking a pretty woman with a strap-on. I asked my boyfriend of a year if I could live out my fantasy, but he said he doesn't want me "fucking another woman like a man." I asked if maybe I could do this to him instead, but he said no. I like BDSM, but the most he'll do is hold my arms down and spank me. I've asked for other things — bondage, nipple clamps, paddles, etc. — but he says that stuff takes too much time and the bother of it "kills the mood." I offered to set up stuff beforehand — ropes already tied to the corners of the bed, for instance — but he doesn't want me to do that because "what if someone saw it." Am I just being inconsiderate and selfish? Maybe I'm asking too much, but I felt that I was beyond honest about all of this before we started dating. My ex-husband (yes, ex-husband: I got married at 16 and divorced last year) was never OK with any of this, either, and would call me a freak when I opened up about my desires — so I made sure not to hide them from my current boyfriend when we met. Now what am I supposed to do? Just drop it? Or should I talk to him? How do I talk to him?

Confused And Sexually Denied

Yes, CASD, you should drop it — and by "it," I mean "him."

You wasted five years of your life on a man who couldn't meet your needs and sex-shamed you about your perfectly ordinary, perfectly average kinks. You've been with this new guy for a year, and he's revealed himself to be every bit as lazy, inconsiderate and sex-shamey as your ex-husband. DTMFA. There are tons of guys out there who would (1) be happy to indulge your kinks and (2) make lovely boyfriends and/or husbands. Go find one — or two or three or four.

Recently on the Savage Lovecast, the appalling crisis of homeless LGBT youth; plus, it's Bible study time with nondouchey Christian John Shore. It's all at savagelovecast.com.

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