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Don't think you'll get any love come Valentine's Day? Expecting a night of staring morosely at the walls of your studio apartment, with only ice cream, Jack Daniels or Internet porn to comfort you?

Don't resign yourself to a long night of solitude just yet. Pherotones, the ringtone-cum-aphrodisiac, have been the talk of the blogosphere in recent weeks. Just one play from your cell phone, and the object (or objects) of your desire will come running. Never mind cultivating attractiveness, intelligence or wit -- it's all in the auditory tones, according to one Dr. Myra Vanderhood, who touts the product on a Web site of dubious intent.

Men, are you, ahem, looking to cast a wide net? (Last call is only 10 minutes away.) Try the "Anglerz" pherotone, a "subsonic delight" that promises, "If you can keep your wits about you, you'll be going home with the catch of the day." Or, if you have too much love for one woman, try the "Double Header," "dynamically calibrated to attract two like-minded females simultaneously."

For women, there's "Veni. Veni. Veni," a pherotone "crafted to find a man who takes pleasure in giving pleasure, over and over, multiple times, until all earthly desire finally evaporates from your consciousness." The tone's more reminiscent of an old game show tune -- Press Your Luck comes to mind -- but hey, who are we to understand the nuances of auditory science?

Apparently, many people can't accept the idea that ringtones are the panacea for a dried-up love life. Bloggers have skewered the Web site, linking it to a Durham-based advertising agency, McKinney-Silver. But Vanderhood says they're her client, not the other way around -- she's just trying to spread the love.

Vanderhood admits she has neither a medical license nor a Ph.D. (which, ah, raises some interesting issues itself.) But tell us, good doctor, how do pherotones work? "Past research (indicates) that bodies are affected by certain sounds," she says. "The research that we are conducting is mostly based on anecdotal evidence at this point. But we are strictly collecting stories; we are testing them on ourselves here at the Auditory Institute."

"I am so excited," Vanderhood tells Creative Loafing.

She must've tried different pherotones than we did.

On the Web: www.pherotones.com

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