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Mars Attacks!

War on Terror expands to other planets


Last week, Earth and Mars were the closest they'd been in 60,000 years. Amateur astronomers everywhere were beckoned out into the early morning to see the Red Planet up close and personal. Professional astronomers, meanwhile, were awed by what they saw through their somewhat more sophisticated equipment. They were able to observe features on Mars not normally visible and published pictures of unprecedented clarity of the planet. Intelligence agents from the Defense Department's War on Terror Division studied some of these pictures and came away deeply shocked.

Based on a painstaking investigation, the Bush intelligence community has determined that Mars is a hotbed of al-Qaeda terrorist training camps and might even be where Saddam Hussein hid his Weapons of Mass Destruction. They've also found evidence of a uranium enrichment facility near Olympus Mons that is just weeks away from being operational. And there was some evidence of the planet once having water, but the credibility of that theory remains in dispute.

The Bush administration first became suspicious of Mars (named for the mythological Roman God of War) when agents came across a detailed outline of a planned Martian invasion of America, prepared by an early radical Islamic cleric named Hg W'ells. His plan was later spread by Orsonna bin W'ells (no relation) but remained largely overlooked until the suspected al-Qaeda camps were photographed last week.

The Office of Homeland Security is expected to raise the terror alert level within days to Code Orange, at least through Halloween. Parts of rural New Jersey may even be raised to Code Red. Airport screeners are expected to pay special attention to anyone who is under 4-feet-6, green, and/or with antennae.

President Bush indirectly hinted at a possible American response to the mounting Martian menace in a speech to American Legionnaires in St. Louis last week: "No nation can be neutral in the struggle between civilization and chaos. . . We've adopted a new strategy for a new kind of war. We will not wait for known enemies to strike us again. We will strike them in their camps or caves or wherever they hide, before they hit more of our cities and kill more of our citizens."

Donald Rumsfeld, apparently miffed that the secret Death Star he's been pushing to be built by Halliburton will not be ready for some time, is busy preparing plans to invade Rome since they "probably still have some Martian warlords hiding there." President Bush is also pushing for an invasion of Latvia, since, according to Bush, "early Romans spoke Latin."

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