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Lonely guy needs some advice

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Here's my problem: I love women. I love the way they look, I love the way they move, I love the way they sound. I like to see them naked. But the idea of actually interacting with women — trying to engage them in intelligent conversation without coming off as absolutely leotarded — absolutely fucking terrifies me. I'm a virgin at 30. I've never had a girlfriend. I've never been on a date. I've never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes and wasn't completely superficial and forced.

I cannot even imagine myself doing something assertive like approaching a woman and asking her out on a date. And no woman has ever approached me or even shown interest from what I could tell. Sex workers are out of the question because I don't want to risk some asshole cop busting me. Webcam sites are pretty much the only way I interact with women. Sad, no? I'm not at all afraid of vaginas — I'm afraid of women who have clothes on.

Got a piece of advice for me?

Awkward And Alone

I've actually got two pieces of advice for you, AAA.

First piece: Get your ass to a shrink who can help you with your near-crippling social anxiety and maybe toss some meds your way.

Second piece: Hire a fucking sex worker, just don't fuck her. Paid companionship is not a crime — there's nothing illegal about paying an escort to escort you places. Find a nice woman, pay her for an hour or two of her time, and have a nice, polite conversation. If you like her, make another appointment, have another conversation. Cops — asshole or otherwise — only bust men when they offer money in exchange for sex, AAA, so don't offer money for sex, or accept her offer to have money for sex, and you won't get busted. And cops working undercover to bust johns don't make follow-up appointments or build ongoing relationships with clients. So if a woman sees you more than once — or twice, to be extra safe — she's not a cop.

I'm a GGG 38-year-old single woman, longtime reader, first-time writer.

1. What is a cream pie?

2. Do you find it weird to be turned on by getting fondled up and aroused into sex while sleeping? I have a hard time communicating to partners that I want this! Can you give communication assistance so I don't sound so freaky?

Freak In Phoenix

1. Google "cream pie." The first three results are relevant; the fourth ("Banana Cream Pie: Recipe") is not.

2. Your kink, FIP, barely moves the needle on my kink-o-meter. If you're having a hard time communicating your interest in fondled-while-asleep sex, just memorize this: "It turns me on to get fondled up and aroused into sex while sleeping."

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