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Integrating food, glorious food



My mistress wants to deny me the pleasure of regular food. We want to create a "slop" that I can eat four to five times daily that is highly nutritious but as bland-tasting as possible. Any ideas? Can you consult a nutritionist?

Seeking Slave Food

Are there any vegan restaurants in your area?

I'm a single male in my mid-30s who over the years developed an incapacitating fetish. I can only get fully aroused when smelling the odor of maple syrup. When I was younger, it was not a problem getting aroused without it, but as I got older, I took to placing it on napkins and while pleasuring myself would inhale the scent of it. Now I can't perform without smelling it. I have tried to wean myself to no avail.

What should I do, short of taking all my dates to the house of pancakes and "accidentally" spilling syrup on them? I don't think it would be fair to require such a thing from anyone and would not expect it to be tolerated in a long-term relationship. Any advice? Like I said, I have tried to reprogram myself, but to no avail. I feel I have hardwired myself over the years and am helpless.

Odor Regretfully Generates A Sexual Malady

Another food question — kind of a subtheme in this week's column.

Look, ORGASM, the human brain is an inscrutable bag of slop, and you aren't the only person out there whose brain saddled him with a seemingly random sexual fetish. But you shouldn't view your fetish — assuming you're not making this up — as "incapacitating." You could be into things that were much worse and/or more complicated and/or literally impossible to realize. Nor should you blame yourself for your growing reliance on your kink. As we age (men particularly), we tend to lean more on those things — fantasies, fetishes, scenarios — that help us get there and get off.

So what do you do?

Stop viewing your fetish as some sort of freakish ailment that disqualifies you from love and affection, ORGASM, and start viewing it for what it is: an endearing quirk and not too much to ask from a long-term partner. People in love and people in long-term relationships — two distinct groups with some significant overlap — like to say things like "I would walk through fire for him" or "I would take a bullet for her." Well, all you're asking is for a tiny bit of maple syrup dabbed behind the ears before sex. It's not fire, it's not a bullet, and it's not too much to ask.

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