Say your boyfriend has a spanking fetish, and he spanks other women with one particular belt — but not you, because you don't like it, but you're okay with him making dates to spank others — and he wears that particular belt all the time, even though you've asked him not to. What's going on here?
Ass Spared, Feelings Hurt
Equal parts inconsideration (on his part) and insecurity (on your part) are combining to create unnecessary drama. If spanking is so central to his identity that he has to wear his spanking belt every day, you may be the wrong girlfriend for him. If seeing an easy-to-overlook reminder of his fetish leaves this hurt, you're less okay with those spanking dates than you pretend to be, ASFH, and he may be the wrong boyfriend for you.
I recently came across a pair of my ex-girlfriend's lacy panties in an old pair of shorts I haven't worn in years. I love wearing women's panties, and I almost hit the floor when I found them. I was a mess after this girl dumped me. I was devastated. To this day, I have not found closure. This is where it gets tricky. A part of me wants to keep them because it's so hot that they're hers. I'm happy with my current girlfriend — I love her — but these panties really turn me on. The other part tells me to "show some respect" and get rid of them. Is this an ethical or moral issue? By keeping them, am I driving a wedge between me and my girlfriend? Any advice?
Old Panties Protocol
You're entitled to your memories and your keepsakes. And if a pair of panties can drive a wedge between you and your current girlfriend, OPP, then your relationship is made of pretty flimsy stuff. If an old pair of panties doesn't destroy it, the next strong breeze will.
Keep the panties, I say, but put them away somewhere that isn't easily accessed — in a box in your storage space, on a high shelf in a closet — so you aren't tempted to haul them out every time you want to have a wank. But now and then, maybe when the girlfriend is out of town, I don't see the harm in retrieving your ex-girlfriend's panties and enjoying a nice, long, leisurely wank down memory lane.
And finally, OPP, closure isn't something you find. It's something you do.
My husband recently admitted that he masturbates once a day, sometimes twice. My confusion stems from the fact that we have sex once a day, sometimes twice. We've had problems in the past with him staring at other women (everyone does it, but I do feel discretion in front of a spouse is required) and with him wanting more novelty in bed (watch porn, wear lingerie, use toys). I've always had the higher libido and the more positive attitude toward sex in all of my relationships, but right now, I feel overwhelmed and, honestly, a little put off. I want to feel GGG again, but am having trouble. What do you think?
Whence This Feeling?
The guys you were with before you met your husband — all those sex-negative/less-sex-positive guys with their lower-than-yours libidos — did you ever complain about them? Did you ever gripe to friends about always being the one who had to initiate? Did you ever think about writing me a letter asking how to get those guys to be a little more adventurous in bed? And now you're complaining about being with a guy who has a higher libido and who is just as sex-positive as you are? My advice: Stop pathologizing your husband. You probably didn't appreciate it when past partners made you feel like your libido was a problem. Your husband's libido isn't a problem either. If you're not interested in porn, lingerie, or toys, say so. But look on the bright side: You're lucky enough to be with a guy whose libido exceeds your own (for a change!), WTF, so your needs will never be neglected. Yahtzee.
On this week's Savage Lovecast, Dan chats with writer Katha Pollitt about reframing attitudes about abortion: savagelovecast.com.