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Horse sense

And other legislation to support

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Wild horses found friends in Congress on April 26, when the U.S. House of Representatives voted 277-137 to reinstate protections aimed at keeping wild free-roaming horses and burros from being sold, slaughtered and served to restaurant patrons overseas.

Some folks say the ban unduly limits federal authority to manage the herds. And it's bad for bidness, of course. The animal lover in me says nonsense -- and luckily, most of North Carolina's delegation, whether conservative or liberal, agreed. Except for representatives Howard Coble, Patrick McHenry and Robin Hayes.

With that in mind, here's a look at some, um, not-yet-proposed legislation these horse opponents might support:

1. Legalized Kitten Juggling. Steve Martin's pleas in The Jerk be damned; watching those kittens flail about is just too entertaining.

2. A Repeal of Mother's Day. Who needs to call mom anyway?

3. The Act Prohibiting the Opening of Presents on Christmas Eve. Gifts divert attention from the real reason for the season anyway: Fighting the War on Christmas™.

4. No Cooing at Cute Puppies. They're sloppy and they don't work for a living. They need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

5. Unconditional Support for Pre-emptive Wars. Oh, wait ...

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