The answer, in a word, is profiling. The answer in two words is ethnic profiling. On January 15, a Middle Eastern-looking man who appeared to be 22-35 years old walked into a California Wal-Mart and paid cash for a bunch of Valentine's Day teddy bears, along with some small propane gas canisters and BBs. On February 4, the store notified the FBI about the purchase, and the government issued an alert for "teddy bear bombs," asking the public for help identifying the man. Despite the lack of any evidence of a crime or criminal intent, an FBI spokesman justified the alert and manhunt by saying, "After September 11, that purchase warrants that we take a closer look."
Huh? Did I miss something? Did investigators find BBs in the World Trade Center rubble? Did they find a turbaned Beanie Baby in the Pentagon wreckage? Despite the G-Man's tactful (read: deceitful) statement, it's not the purchase that warrants a closer look, it's the purchaser. Since September 11, federal law enforcement has singled out Middle Easterners -- mostly Arabs -- for unprecedented scrutiny. Several thousand people -- living legally in the United States and with no links to terrorism whatsoever -- have been interviewed by the police. Over a thousand have been detained incommunicado, without being charged with a crime. And if they're charged with a crime, President Bush has reserved the right to have them tried and possibly executed in secret military courts, even if they're legal residents of the United States.
In light of the government's insistence on the use of ethnic profiling, I've come up with a list of items that law-abiding Middle Eastern-looking men between 22 and 35 (like myself) should avoid buying from Wal-Mart. I'd hate for the FBI to miss a real terrorist just because they're busy following me. So next time you're at Wal-Mart, avoid the following:
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing a Will and Microsoft Flight Simulator 2002. Forget profiling -- that's the sort of purchase that would make your own mother call the FBI on you.
Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola. Urban legend has it that combining these two products has caused deadly explosions in the stomachs of countless children. It's particularly lethal if you're the friend of a friend of a friend.
American flags, lighter fluid and matches. You'd better be planning a cookout, or else the FBI is gonna wanna have some words with you in private.
Parliament's 1978 funk classic, Motor Booty Affair. Everybody knows dat shit is da bomb.
E-mail questions to andisheh@creativeloafing.com.
