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Evil thwarted by Brave New administration


Since the premise that "there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction to use against our friends, against our allies, and against us" (actual pre-invasion quote from VP Dick Cheney) has transformed to "the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein" (President Bush last week), the Brave New White House is scrambling to highlight Saddam's awesome potential plans for terror program-like activities as justification for its pre-emptive war against Iraq.

For example, Attorney General John Ashcroft, while on a state visit to Austria last week, said that even if weapons of mass destruction are never found in Iraq, the US-led war was justified because it eliminated the threat that Saddam might again resort to "evil chemistry and evil biology." (I am not making this up.)

According to Ashcroft, Saddam's willingness to use such weapons (which the administration now hedgingly admits do not exist) was sufficient cause to overthrow his regime, pointing to Saddam's 1980s use of chemical and biological arms. Ashcroft, incidentally, forgot to mention that those arms were not developed by Iraq. Here's a hint as to where those weapons were obtained: the supplier has the initials U and S in its name.

Let me repeat a key phrase here from Ashcroft in case you missed it: "Weapons of mass destruction including evil chemistry and evil biology are all matters of great concern, not only to the United States but also to the world community," Ashcroft said. (Again, actual quote.)

I did some extensive research and found that the head of the evil biology department at Baghdad University under Saddam was the one and only Natasha Fatale, who hadn't been heard from since the Rocky and Bullwinkle show. But that's not all: the head of the evil chemistry department was none other than Boris Badenov. They both reported directly to the Dean of Baghdad (aka Whatsamatta) U, Fearless Leader. Now, watch me pull a WMD out of this hat.

If you listen to the Bush administration, because of 9/11, we simply can't be too careful when it comes to evil. Which is why he's promised to appoint "an independent panel" to look into the intelligence failures which our Brave New Leader now claims are at fault. Expect Moose and Squirrel to get at the facts, just not until after the elections. I really hope I'm just making that part up.

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