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Hitting the Iraqi Jackpot

A list of what we did find


It's apparent now to all but the most hardened Dittohead that there are no weapons of mass destruction to be found in Iraq.

In truth, though, the bio-lab beaker is actually half full. Even though no WMDs were found in Iraq and likely never will be, a great many other things were uncovered during the intensive search. In order to make the US public feel a little better about the quality of judgment that our leadership in this Brave New War has shown, the Bush administration has released this partial list of things your nearly billion dollars did find in the land of Saddam:

General Norman Schwarzkopf's Hummer keys, missing since 1991.

The other bloody glove, presumably belonging to the real killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

A falafel stand that not only stocks Jolt Cola but also takes American Express.

Secret documents (apparently obtained from the Internet) which are part of a medical research program detailing how to increase penis size by three inches and naturally expand breasts by two full cup sizes, obviously a devious plan to create super-Iraqis capable of destroying American self-esteem.

Michael Jackson's original nose.

A completed admissions application to al-Kareem's Art Correspondence Madrassas including drawings of missiles pointed at what appears to be a George Bush stick figure and the words "Drop bomb here" scrawled in Arabic across the top.

12,653,931 "Try AOL For Free" disks.

Hans Blix's reputation (found next to a can of Tarn-X).

A cache of Janet Jackson CDs, a copy of Ninja Nipples magazine, and a nearly working prototype for a WMD (Wardrobe Malfunction Device).

A blue burka from The Gapistan with an odd stain on the front.

Thirty new Starbucks stores.

A roll of film which, when developed, was found to contain photographs of a UFO, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Elvis and Britney Spears riding a camel, and Osama bin Laden playing a crude practical joke involving Dubya's toothbrush.

al-Khapone's vault. Discovered by Geraldo Rivera. Empty.

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