I'm a 27-year-old bisexual chick who just moved in with my girlfriend of 10 months. I love her very much, and this is a great relationship — hot sex, laughs, good conversation. Here's the thing: I like to smoke pot, and pot makes her very uncomfortable. We've talked about it a lot — you know how dykes are — and I've been up front with her from the beginning. I'm responsible and successful, and I don't smoke that often. But I don't like feeling guilty. I'm afraid we're reaching an impasse on this issue. I've considered banishing pot from my life, but I know that some part of me would always resent her for not letting me be who I am. To her credit, she doesn't want me to stop smoking, but she gets angry and blames herself for the whole problem. I feel like I'm asking her to change a pretty fundamental belief and I don't know how fair that is. Basically, I need some perspective. Am I being an asshole?
Distraught Kentucky Dyke
What is it about lesbianism — even in cases of lesbian-identified bi chicks — that renders a person incapable of taking yes for an answer? (Or maybe it's cunnilingus? Does Michael Douglas have the same problem?) Your girlfriend isn't asking you to stop smoking pot, she recognizes that she's the one in this relationship with a drug problem, and over time (it's only been 10 months!) she'll probably get over these OMFG-my-girlfriend-smokes-pot panic attacks. She's giving you a great big yes, DKD, and I think you should take it. But if you insist on viewing this as a problem that must be solved — if you insist on being a couple of cliché lesbians who feel they have to operate their relationship on the consensus model or someone is being oppressed — then this issue will be an endless source of anxiety and drama. Better to agree to disagree, smoke when the girlfriend isn't around, and remember to return the favor when the time comes, i.e., agree to let her enjoy something that you don't without pitching fits about it.
I have an ethical dilemma. I'm an escort and a pro Domme. I have a ridiculous sex drive (it's silly how much sex I want to have!) and I'm single. I'm also queer. But lately I find myself mostly hooking up with dudes for two reasons:
1. I think it's important to also have nontransactional sex with dudes.
2. It's easier to have casual sex with dudes because I rarely get emotionally attached to dudes. Like almost never.
If I use protection with these dudes, and I'm getting tested every three months, do I owe these onetime players the truth about what I do for a living?
Sexworker Troubled Intellectually
People who enjoy hooking up with strangers — people who have casual one-night stands with people they don't know and may not see again — should go into those hookups knowing these two things:
1. The person they're hooking up with has probably done this before. As that's the case, having sex in this context — i.e., in the context of a sleazy and fun hookup — carries a higher degree of STI risk than having sex in the context of, say, a committed relationship. Because duh.
2. They need to take all reasonable precautions while bearing in mind that condoms, even when used correctly, do not provide 100 percent protection.
So, STI, as long as you're using protection/condoms, you're doing right by your one-night stands. Your dudes are entitled to consideration and a reasonable concern for their well-being, and it sounds like they're getting both. They are not entitled to your complete sexual history or your work résumé. If someone isn't comfortable with the risks inherent in casual sex — if someone wouldn't want to sleep with a sex worker, say, or an editor at Breitbart — that person needs to inquire as to whether the person they've just picked up is a sex worker or an idiot. The onus is on them.
I'm a 40-year-old gay man who has his life fairly together (career, home, etc.). But I've never had a LTR. I've dated this guy "D" three times, and I broke it off three times. I feel like such an ass. I'm attracted to D, he is sweet, hot, and funny, but he's obviously gay. I worry that my mom might not like him — she has made snide comments about obviously gay guys "advertising it" — and I am very close to my mom. D and I have started hanging out again, and we are having fun. He is not mad at me. The plan is to just hang out, and I just don't know WTF I am doing. Should I just see how things go?
Messed Up Dude
Let me see if I've got this straight, MUD: You like D, you're into D, and D is sweet and hot and funny. But you've dumped D three times because your mommy wouldn't approve, and you're really close to your mommy ... and you're worried that D is the gay stereotype in this relationship?