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Happy News, Butts and Planes

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Another Week Already

Quote of the Week: "A man's rear end is not for another man's private parts." — County Commissioner Bill James, waxing eloquent about sodomy during debate of a proposal to protect gays from discrimination.

MONDAY, 5/16

The Observer printed a perky op-ed piece titled "How about a little good news from the war?" and followed up with reports from Iraq of soldiers handing out candy and soccer balls. That's a great idea — who needs to see all that yucky war stuff, anyway? We urge the mainstream media to go even farther and run these additional happy-go-lucky stories from the war zone:

¨ US soldiers kindly help a man find the arm they'd blown off.

¨ The insurgency goes all mellow and starts using cute little fluffy kitten suicide bombers.

¨ Two truckloads of food are delivered to the 80 people left alive after we took Fallujah.

¨ A Baghdad comedy club features comics who do Saddam and Baghdad Bob impersonations ("Take my WMD's. Please.")

¨ Marines help turn mass graves into efficiency basement condos.

TUESDAY 5/17

Mecklenburg County Commissioner Dan Bishop, in opposing the gay discrimination proposal, claimed the policy would be "a serious dagger at the heart of marriage." After the meeting, an enraged gang of gay thugs tackled Bishop and forced him into a lovely off-white wedding gown. If only.

WEDNESDAY, 5/18

Mayor Pro Tem Patrick Cannon, citing family concerns, announced his withdrawal from the mayoral race. Rumors flew that Cannon was dodging a last-minute challenge from Malcolm Graham after discovering the Dem primary had been changed to a GQ Dress-Off.

THURSDAY, 5/19

US Airways announced its merger with America West Airlines. Best case scenario: We keep all the non-stop flights, but at lower prices, and you get a full can of Coke on the flights. Worst case: US Airways dumps a lot of employees, prices stay high, you still get only a half-can... and the airline goes under anyway.

FRIDAY, 5/20

President Bush announced he would veto a bill that would ease restrictions on stem cell research in the US, setting off spontaneous celebrations among scientists in various foreign countries.

SATURDAY, 5/21

Twilight of the Hunks? NASCAR's trend of victorious drivers who look like male models took a hit when rugged veteran Mark Martin took home a million dollars for winning the Nextel Cup All-Star Challenge at Lowe's Motor Speedway.

SUNDAY, 5/22

Extended Family Values: A fundamentalist preacher in Louisiana, as well as his wife and six former members of the congregation, were arrested for allegedly molesting 24 children.

MONDAY, 5/23

Arts leaders (i.e., administrators) went before City Council and begged them to approve the scraps of what once seemed a slam-dunk package of arts projects.

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