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Happy and Secure Holidays

The great turkey plot revealed


President Bush pardoned the national Thanksgiving turkey early last week, marking the 56th anniversary of the annual Rose Garden tradition. It also marked the first known instance of one of the Bush brothers not availing themselves of an opportunity to "fry themselves a prisoner," though the fact that the turkey was white-feathered, rich in protein, and a rumored heavy contributor to Republican candidates may have influenced the decision.

Stars -- and the "back-up" turkey named Stripes -- were both supplied to the White House by the National Turkey Federation. By tradition, the pardoned birds were slated to live out the rest of their days as part of the Kidwell Farm petting zoo at Frying Pan Park in Herndon, Virginia; at least that's the story most people were made aware of.

Apparently the Department of Homeland Security did a routine background check on the birds and started getting suspicious when someone at the agency noted the curious similarity between the word "turkey" and the city of Istanbul, which was the site of recent terrorist bombings. According to a Justice Department representative who requested anonymity, "We attempted to question the turkeys, but they were largely uncooperative, giving us little more than a bunch of gobble-gobbledygook in over three hours of questioning."

The deeper the background of these innocent-looking birds was probed, the more suspicion was raised. "We found that both these birds spent a great deal of time in a "training camp' in Carthage, Missouri, where they, and hundreds of other operative birds like them, were most likely training under al-Qaeda guidance to become suicide attackers."

Federal agents who raided the facility found high concentrations of the chemical L-tryptophan, an amino acid that, when ingested, reacts in the brain to produce increased levels of serotonin. Agents suspect Stars and co-conspirator Stripes were actually sleeper operatives who hoped to be eaten by the President and Vice-President to deliver their chemical payload.

While the investigation continues, the two birds have been transferred from Frying Pan Park to a holding pen in Guantanamo Bay where the butter-cabal's goose is likely cooked.

Even though the country escaped a close call on Thanksgiving, the Department of Homeland Security remains alert to the possibility of a Christmas attack. "We've heard rumor of a bearded man who's been seen lurking about shopping malls across America, in some cases since before Halloween, behaving suspiciously -- checking lists, talking with children, checking his lists again. We don't want people to panic, but ..."

Have a vigilant Brave New Holiday.

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