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Guy's despicable actions might also be illegal

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I'm a twentysomething freelancer, and I have a barter relationship with a facility that lets me work there for free. I've become friends with the guys who run the facility. Recently, one of my girlfriend's best friends had sex with one of these guys a few times. I recently found out that one time, postcoitus, he secretly filmed my girlfriend's friend naked using his iPhone. He's shown the video to a few mutual friends but didn't tell me or show me.

I think this is some super-vile shit, and I'm horrified that someone I considered a friend would be such an asshole. I'd like to tell him how I feel about this, but at the same time, I can't afford for my relationship with him to sour.

I've heard that he deleted the video, so maybe what my girlfriend's friend doesn't know can't hurt her. One potentially pertinent piece of information is that my girlfriend's first sex partner secretly filmed her and showed it to everyone in her high school, and it scarred her. I think she would be SUPER upset to find out about what this guy did to her friend. I want to do the right thing here, but it's not obvious what that is. Help!

Video Is Defining Ethical Obligations

What your friend did to your girlfriend's friend is vile, VIDEO, potentially illegal, and -- most importantly -- not a very nice way to treat someone who was kind enough to fuck his brains out.

You do have to do something, VIDEO, but your options aren't limited to either beating him nearly to death with a baseball bat or beating him all the way to death with a baseball bat. It's possible to confront someone in a friendly-ish way, employing a tone that at once communicates your affections for him even as you chide him for doing something that undermined those affections.

"Dude, I heard about that little video," you say to him, perhaps over a drink. "And I was glad to hear you deleted it -- you did delete it, right? -- because that's a shitty thing to do and you're not a shitty guy. It's also an illegal thing to do, and people have gotten busted for doing that kind of shit. Be careful, man, you could really fuck up your life."

If you can tamp down your righteous fury long enough to put it to him that way, VIDEO, you will have reinforced what should be communitywide/specieswide social norms -- no dirty pictures or videos without the consent of all involved -- without nuking your professional relationship with the guy. Good luck.

Every so often, I have to fight the urge to contact an ex-boyfriend from college. It didn't end well (I cheated). It's been over a decade (more like 15 years) since we last spoke. I'm happily married, have two children, and live in a completely different part of the country now. Yet, I feel sad that we don't still know each other. The reasons for the indiscretion are complicated and include, among other things, stupidity and youth. (Also the fact that the indiscretion involved a different ex-boyfriend who begged and pleaded for one final hurrah -- and then I told the then-current [now-ex] boyfriend that it was forced, which it wasn't, which the then-current [now-ex] boyfriend rightly didn't believe.)

I know my reasons are selfish: I want to explain myself, I want to move on, I want to be forgiven. But if he wanted to be in contact with me, he would be. And yet, like a crazed idiot, I still hold out hope that someday he'll contact me or that we'll bump into each other. Should I contact him?

Can't Let Go

You should suck it up, CLG. It's killing you that someone out there might hate your guts (with cause), might think you're scum (because you behaved like scum), and, we can safely presume at this stage, is content to have you out of his life (otherwise he would've looked you up on Facebook by now). This bothers you because you're not scum, of course; no person is defined by the two worst mistakes she ever made. (I'm referring to (1) cheating and (2) making a false accusation of rape. What would've happened if your then-current [now-ex] boyfriend had gone to the police? Or taken the law into his own hands? Thank God he didn't believe you.)

I don't think you should contact him, CLG, not until you're a little more interested in what you could give him (a long-overdue apology) and a little less interested in what he could give you (absolution).

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