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Gutsy Move

Or, get that 'rhoid outta my way


I've seen a lot of things over the course of writing this column, but the Colossal Colon probably takes the cake. Now, don't get me wrong -- I bump into some colossal a-holes every week -- but a 20-foot replica of a diseased colon? What a way to make people aware of the dangers of colonic disease! What a public service! What a weird press release! What a photo-op!

Located in Consumer Heaven South -- Concord Mills Mall -- the Colossal Colon is the brainchild of Molly McMaster, a young lady who was diagnosed with, and then defeated, colon cancer. And surely, people do walk out of the Colossal Colon (literally) having had a little more light shown on their, um, darkest of bodily cavities.

But who's kidding who? You can crawl around in a big colon! After years of people getting up my ass here at the Loaf, I decided to take the plunge myself. As I entered the colon, I was struck by the bright pink interior of the thing. There's trouble up around the bend, however -- a cyst! (And some blockage, blocking my path. Fortunately, it's just a couple of kids, whom I nudge along). Deep into the, um, mouth of the beast, I suddenly encountered a blistery mess of colon cancer. Yikes!

Soon, I was able to see the light at the end of the intestines. However, another villain soon stood in my path -- hemorrhoids! This whole thing's not as easy as it looks, I mused.

Finally, I saw the world (and a huge anus) open up before me. I felt like one of the sperm in Woody Allen's Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex. Giving the kids ahead of me one last nudge, I soon landed on the soft carpeting, staring into the blinding lights of the gargantuan Concord Mills Mall like a newborn baby. I considered this for a second or two, and then got back in line.

You gotta give the Charlotte Bobcats organization credit. They're pushing this whole "we know basketball" thing in the Carolinas. There's Lorenzo Charles dunking the ball in '83! Here's Michael Jordan winning one of his six titles! Basketball inventor James Naismith? He had a stepbrother, Phineas, who once lived in Morganton! The peach basket they used as a goal? Originally from Gaffney!Saturday, the 'Cats held a Final Four party in the Wachovia atrium and gave away some season tickets, culminating with a showing of the Georgia Tech/Oklahoma State and Duke/ Connecticut games on the side of a building. WFNZ host Mark Packer was there too, as was the WFNZ "Big Unit," and the requisite cover band, North Tower (there's a reason people play in cover bands -- gigs aplenty!). There was even Rufus Lynx, the blaxploitation-sounding mascot of our new team.

Problem is, there wasn't a whole heck of a lot of people there, probably due to the Spring chill in the air. Seeing players even more outsize than they are in real life is pretty neat, but there's a reason there are no walk-up outdoor movie theaters in the South.

Last weekend also saw the Crafty Cat "Cat Fancier's Association Cat Show" setting up shop in the Merchandise Mart. Featuring all manner of rare breeds -- Maine Coons, Abyssinians, and the Sphynx (the hairless breed seen in the Austin Powers movies) -- the show was a lot more like a cat version of the mockumentary Best in Show than the promoters might want to admit.Perhaps the only single male cat fan in attendance at the event (with the notable exception of the cats, I imagine), I strode purposefully into the hall, which reeked of so much cat urine that I was reminded of living uptown again. There were a number of cat-exhibiting couples in attendance, most of whom had their arms around their mates. One couple I talked to couldn't go two words without finishing each other's sentences, and soon were tickling each other with cat toys. How curious, I thought, to fetishize perhaps the most independent domesticated animal in history, but not extend the same courtesy to their mate!

Before leaving, I checked out a few stalls selling T-shirts -- Catman! Cat-tastic! Cat Fever! -- and even considered a purchase, but soon decided my "cat fever" had been scratched enough for one day.

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