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The Verdict: Guilty
The Accused: Marijuana
The Case: As an alternative weekly, we are bound by law to glorify marijuana use. So here's the predictable propaganda: It's less harmful than liquor; it helps cancer patients; and dude!, it's just a plant -- it's like totally organic. Mainly, though, we're tired of humongous amounts of our tax dollars being spent on jailing potheads whose only crimes are likely to be taking the last brownie and telling rambling, hard-to-follow stories. Can we tax this puffball drug already and make some money off it? There is a new federal budget now, you know.
The Verdict: Not guilty
The Accused: Synthetic fabrics
The Case: Once the epitome of cheap, clothing made from synthetic fabrics now belong in the realm of chic -- with artificially inflated prices to match. Most boutique racks are chock-full of rayon, acrylic, polyester and nylon. Even haute fashion designers from Gaultier to Versace create in synthetics. Perhaps the medium is the message: The fashion world itself is as fake, fake, fake as it gets, so parade your retro, neo, boho styles with pride. But hold the phone if you're also giving yourself pats on the back for not killing animals (fur, leather) or depleting the soil (cotton): Almost all synthetic fabrics require natural gas and petroleum (see War on Iraq).
The Verdict: Fashionistas say: Not guilty. Environmental activists say: Guilty
The Accused: Marshmallow Peeps
The Case: Dig those crazy chicks. Every year at Easter, those canary-yellow or pink confections peek out at the grocery store. With sugary surfaces and soft centers, they're a fleeting pleasure on the tongue, but once a year they bring back the pleasures of childhood in a Proustian rush. Besides, the classic bird-shaped Peeps are, in their way, a classic example of playful design. But don't abuse them: If you eat an entire box in one sitting, use them as pizza toppings, or take wicked delight in microwaving one to a shapeless blob, you're enjoying them for all the wrong reasons.
The Verdict: Not guilty
The Accused: Holiday lawn decorations
The Case: There used to be a time when just one house in the neighborhood would get all decked out for the holidays, surrendering the windows, front yard and even roof to garish lights, ersatz Santas and radioactive nativity scenes. Those lone decorators seemed exotic in their shamelessness, but somehow along the way, the exception became the rule. Now it seems as though the majority of homes on your street proudly display outdoor ornaments that prior generations would have found terminally tacky. The trend has even expanded beyond Christmas, with people now putting elaborate decorations for Halloween, or even Easter. If inflatable bunny rabbits or giant pumpkin heads make a stressful season more fun, so be it, but the displays strain the electric bills of those who have them, and put peer pressure on those who don't.
The Verdict: Guilty
The Accused: Ethnic humor
The Case: Could Blazing Saddles get made today? Maybe, but only by a black filmmaker. Racially charged humor still exists, but it's been Balkanized by political incorrectness: Chris Rock can use the n-word with hilarious abandon, but woe to white audiences who laugh too hard when he does. Comics who find sport in stereotypes, like the South Park guys, may argue that they're equal-opportunity insulters. But the line between making fun of racists and just making racist jokes can be a thin one, and ultimately, someone in one group can't tell someone in another group what they should or should not find offensive.
The Verdict: More guilty than it used to be
The Accused: Southern rap
The Case: Sure, they're offensive to everyone and ridiculously childish, but nothing makes a better sing-along than a tune like Cash Money Millionaires' "Hood Rich" or Ludacris' "Move Bitch." The beats are catchy and the hooks are longer than the lyrics, providing the perfect soundtrack cruising down Independence. Although other types of rap may be more meaningful, who really wants to be moved by the music when it's Saturday, the weather's great and you're on your way to the mall? But, for God's sake, keep those windows up.
The Verdict: Guilty
The Accused: Beauty mags
The Case: Eye candy or important sociological barometer? Hunk o' junk or cultural thermometer? We side with the latter. Maybe we're fooling ourselves, but it seems vitally important to keep abreast of new beauty products, which shape of eyebrow is "in," how to beat a blemish, or be forewarned when the Pat Benatar look is back. At the very worst, there's no harm. Science has proven that entertainment has value all its own (increasing endorphins and serotonin uptake), and that people who take pride in their appearance are more mentally healthy than those who don't. Trash like Lucky is best kept cloaked in your New Yorker, but stacks of Allure and Jane provide good down time for frazzled noggins.
