I'm a 23-year-old homo who came out one year ago. Life has done good and bad things to me. Good things include success in the intelligence lottery, a full ride to college, and now a job with a six-figure income. Sadly, I find that my place in life is different from the place occupied by most other young gay men. When meeting someone, I am often bummed to discover that they are in a state of transience (between cities, between degrees), or bummed because I detect a difference in socioeconomic upbringing/status that will make it hard for us to relate to each other, or bummed because they are not as smart as I am, or most often bummed over a combination of all these things. These thoughts sap my interest in new people, telling me that "it just wouldn't work." Am I right to think that and keep looking, or should I do some substantial "rounding up to one" and go on that second date, even though the odds of compatibility seem slim?
Lots Of First Dates
I'm tempted to tell you not to go on "that second date" with anyone you feel is beneath you intellectually, socioeconomically, or status — or upbringing-wise — not to spare you his ghastly company, LOFD, but to spare him the ghastliness of yours.
Look, Gloria Upson, if dating gay men your own age means exposing yourself to guys who are in "states of transience" — completely normal states for dudes in their early 20s — then date guys in their 30s and 40s. Not that dating older guys is a surefire recipe for romantic success: Your snobbery, classism and elitism are so repulsive that most older guys will be blocking your number before you can call about a second date.
Andrew Sullivan wrote a beautiful post at The Dish a few weeks ago about the egalitarianism of getting laid. He recalled dancing all night in a gay club full of African American guys back when he was a "cute twinky English schoolboy." And Andrew didn't just dance with the black guys he encountered after moving to Washington, DC. "There's nothing like dating or fucking a person of another background, race, or class to help you see the humanity in everyone," Andrew wrote. "How do you get scared of generic young black men when you've danced with them all night long? ... In that sense, I've always felt that being gay was a real moral blessing. I could have been so much worse a human being if I'd been straight."
You're young, LOFD, and I'm being hard on you. I don't mean to step on your ping-pong ball. But if you don't get a grip on your classism and snobbery, you will become so much worse a human being than you need to be. So snap the fuck out of it, OK? And remember: We gay people are a tiny, tiny minority. If you reject as potential partners, friends and fuck buddies all gay men who aren't of your exact same class, education level, social status (ugh) or salary level (barf), LOFD, you won't be left with many guys to date, hang out with, or fuck. Which is not to say that you'll wind up alone. Refusing to date any gay man who doesn't belong to the same club that Bunny Bixler does (and isn't pulling in 100K+ a year) will complicate your search for love, LOFD, but there are other gay snobs out there. You could find a boyfriend who's just like you, i.e., same class, same education, same income bracket, same snobbery and shitty-ass attitude. But I wouldn't wish that kind of guy on anyone, LOFD. Not even on you.
I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman for two years. We split up and remained platonic friends. Months later, on a drunken night, we had sex. At that point, neither of us had slept with anyone else. After we had sex that night, the sexual lion was out, and I slept with two others (using protection, of course). Now my ex-girlfriend and I may get back together, and she has asked the question: Have I slept with anyone else? So far, I have managed to avoid answering and, yes, we are currently sleeping together. Do I tell her?
Blowjobs And Rights Of Privacy
The failure to immediately answer certain questions in the negative is equal to answering in the affirmative. Examples: "Are you gay?" "Did you fuck my sister?" "Is that your butt plug?" Any attempt to avoid answering these questions — issuing a nondenial denial ("Me? Gay? Why would you think that?"), requesting an unnecessary clarification ("You mean your sister?"), stalling for time ("Can we talk about this later?") — serves as confirmation that, yes, you are gay and/or fucking the sister and/or the owner of that butt plug. "Have you slept with anyone else?" is right up there with "Did you gay fuck my sister with that butt plug?" Your attempt to "avoid answering" the question was the answer to the question: Yes, you fucked other people. So unless this woman is an idiot, BAROP, you don't need to tell her. She knows.