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Get Ready to Rumble

Predictions for W's second term

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With the Presidential election less than a week away, the Bush campaign continues to pound its foreboding message of "Don't Change Horsemen in Mid-Apocalypse (Even Though We Initiated Said Apocalypse)" into the furrowed brows of potential voters everywhere.

Regardless of who wins in November, it's certain that the America we know will change. And contrary to conventional wisdom, the bigger changes are more likely to result from a Bush victory than a Kerry win. Think about it. Despite the extreme legislation and proposals that have already been pushed through or proposed during W1 (the USA PATRIOT Act, the Total Information Database, FCC rulings on censorship and media ownership, tax gifts for the rich and powerful at the expense of the future, etc.), a second Bush term won't be saddled with the inconvenient overhead of having to kowtow to a potential re-electorate, regardless of how gullible the right half of it may be. A second Bush term, or W2, will likely be even more constitutionally cataclysmic than the first. And we haven't even brought up Supreme Court appointments. Shudder indeed.

Here is a scenario of what a W2 Presidency might look like. You may want to keep this in mind, particularly you younger voters, if you're considering staying away from the polls. But hey, it's your country. At least for now.

November 2, 2004 George W. Bush is elected President by a margin of three votes in Florida.

November 3, 2004 Citing the closeness of the vote and some unusual "irregularities and peculiarities" in the election, Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry demands a recount.

November 5, 2004 Saying, "Oh no, not this shit again," George W. Bush declares himself the winner of the election and has John Kerry arrested under provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act.

"John Kerry has been under Double Secret Probation for sometime now," explains Attorney General John Ashcroft. "When he tried to overthrow the rightful leader of this great country, well that was the last straw." As he was being physically dragged off to the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, Kerry was heard to scream, "I want to see my lawyer, John Edwards!"

November 6, 2004 John Edwards is arrested. Vice President Dick Cheney emerges from his secret location long enough to say of the Edwards arrest, "Here's your lawyer, you Herman Munster-headed liberal. Now go fuck yourself. Hi-ho, off to Gitmo you go!" Most Democrats are too stunned to protest; others start looking into various nations' immigration laws.

December 2004 Laura Bush buys husband George a fiddle for Christmas. "I always wanted one of these things," declares an obviously pleased President. Meanwhile, insurgents in Baghdad launch a Christmas offensive that leaves much of Baghdad burning. President Bush gives an impromptu fiddle concert during a press conference while Baghdad burns.

January 2005 The day before his inauguration, President Bush makes a surprise appearance on the Maury Povich show where the theme for the day is "Who's Your Daddy?" George W. Bush submits to an on-air DNA test that reveals he is not the child of George HW and Barbara Bush but is actually the love-child of Ronald Reagan and Ann Coulter's mother.

"I just felt the time was right for the truth to come out," said Bush to host Povich. "My true lineage will add legitimacy to my second term." In his inauguration speech, Bush makes repeated reference to "Papa Reagan" and says his election is a mandate to "finish the work of my Father."

February 2005 President Bush proposes sweeping changes to the organization of the US government. Bush announces the merger of the Department of Labor with the Selective Service System to "more accurately reflect the nature of imminent job growth." He also proposes vast privatization of nearly all areas of the federal government. The FCC will be outsourced to Clear Channel Communications while the Department of the Interior and the Department of Energy will both become wholly owned subsidiaries of Exxon-Mobil Corp.

In the most controversial proposal, naming rights to the country will be sold to Wal-Mart and the country will be renamed "Wal-Mart presents The United States of America, Always Low Taxes. Always(r)." As part of the announcement, Bush declares, "This is a continuation of the work of my Father, Ronald Reagan." His "mother" is found hanging in a garage in New Canaan, CT, the next day. The suicide note reads, "Annie was bad enough, but now this. God help us all."

March 2005 Congress strongly resists the Bush privatization proposals. In response, Bush privatizes Congress, which becomes part of the Diebold Corporation. All Senators and Congressmen are promptly laid-off and replaced by the new US LegisCorp board of directors, headed by Chairman Ken Lay. At the announcement, Mr. Lay declares himself Legislative Poohbah Pro Tem For Life and says (while licking his lips), "Man, I can't wait to fix Social Security."

April 2005 Bush and Lay announce that all former Democratic members of Congress constitute a "threat to our precious freedoms" and order them arrested and sent to Gitmo "to be with their buddy Kerry."

Canada, Great Britain, New Zealand and France announce a 10,000 percent increase in work visa applications from the United States.

June 2005 The Federal Clear Channel Communications Commission announces that Toby Keith is now the official "Musician Laureate" of the United States and all music played on the nation's airwaves must be written by him.

Fox News declares a pre-emptive war and takes over the New York Times in a bloody invasion.

The UN is evicted from its land- mark NYC headquarters. The building becomes the new Christian Coalition World Headquarters.

US airlines enjoy a financial windfall due to the high numbers of Americans "traveling overseas," at almost any price. Strangely, the majority of the tickets sold are for one-way trips.

July 4, 2005 Iraq becomes the 51st state of Wal-Mart presents The United States of America, Always Low Taxes. Always(r). In making the announcement, President Bush says, "This makes me feel all patriotic and stuff. Plus, shoot, it was easier bringing democracy to our oil fields this way. Oh, and just between you and me, don't go rushing out buying no 51-star flags .... I can smell some Middle Eastern Manifest Destiny in the air."

August 2005 "We've found Iraq's WMDs. They're in Iran and we're goin' in to kick us some ass!" a jubilant President Bush announces while waving his cowboy hat from the re-located Halliburton White House in Crawford, Texas. "And since we're at war again, just call me War President For Life."

US LegisCorp grants both requests unanimously while cutting the top tax bracket 5 percent.

The Selective Service Department of Labor announces that employment among college age men is now at an all-time high and is likely to rise very soon.

December 2005 WPFL Bush awards himself a Christmas bonus by invading Syria, launching Operation 53rd Star.

Many middle and lower class Americans complain that, other than the military, there are no longer any good paying jobs left in Wal-Mart USA (the country's new, shorter name).

War President For Life Bush tells a worried country to relax, enjoy the pretty lights, and eat some Christmas fruitcake. "Hey, if you don't like it, you can join the National Guard instead," he chuckles.

January 2006 Tragedy strikes Wal-Mart USA when earthquakes cause massive damage across the country. Scientists say the tremors are apparently caused by the "mass grave-turning of the Founding Fathers." The Raytheon Department of Homeland Security raises the terror alert level to Code Red just in case.

February 2006 WPFL Bush tells a worried nation in a televised address that the War Against Terror is going just as planned and that there is nothing to fear. Things are going so well, in fact, that he will be taking an extended vacation along with the Vice President and other key members of the Wal-Mart USA executive board and their families and closest friends, to Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming.

March 2006 The National Anthem is posthumously changed to "We'll Meet Again."

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