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Gay rights are within reach

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I'll add this to the debate over the threat that gay people pose to marriage: A fag saved my "opposite marriage."

My wife and I had a huge argument about sex after she rebuffed me one night. She was shouting that she couldn't stand the idea of me inside her because she felt like I was just masturbating in her. I shouted that we could stop having vaginal intercourse altogether for all I care because it was boring me, too, and besides, there was lots of other stuff we could do. She screamed, "Like what?!?" And I screamed, "Like oral! Masturbation! Role-playing! Whatever kinky shit you want!" There was a pause, and we both started laughing.

We took vaginal intercourse "off the menu" that night. After three weeks of amazing, mind-blowing sex, she called me at work and asked if I missed vaginal intercourse. I told her that I did but that putting it back on the menu was entirely her call. She got in the car and drove to my office, and we fucked in the stairwell. Sometimes you help people you don't even realize you've helped. Wanted to say thanks.

Married O And Newly Surging

You're welcome, MOANS, and thanks for sharing.

And speaking of marriage: The recent decision by the California Supreme Court upholding Proposition 8 was expected but, in the wake of so many recent victories, still saddening, and I'm getting mail from lots of unhappy people. I'm unhappy about it, too. But we have to remember that this is a long game, folks, and despite this setback, we are winning. We've heard a lot about Prop 8 over the last week, and we're going to hear a lot about the fight to overturn it over the coming months, but let's not forget about Proposition 22.

In 2000, California voters approved a law banning same-sex marriage. It was a ballot initiative, like Prop 8, but just a law, not a constitutional amendment. And it was that law, Prop 22, that the California Supremes struck down in 2008, in their historic ruling legalizing same-sex marriage. And voters in 2000 approved Prop 22 by a 22-point margin. Eight years later the same voters approved Prop 8 by just four points. That's an 18-point shift in favor of marriage equality in just eight years. That's extraordinary progress. A loss is still a loss, and a loss sucks, but the trend is so strongly in our favor that we cannot lose hope. The anti-gay bigots know that they're losing this debate, and it's why they're so hot to amend state constitutions now, while they still can, while they can still count on the votes of the old, the bigoted, and the easily manipulated.

But they are losing and they know it.

Gay marriage will be back to the ballot box in California in 2010 or 2012, and voters are going to repeal Prop 8. Fundamental civil rights should not be subject to a popular vote, of course, and the California Supremes had an opportunity to reaffirm that ideal. They chose not to, they buckled, and so gays and lesbians, unlike other minority groups, face the challenge of securing our rights at the ballot box. That seems like a daunting prospect until you recall Prop 22 and compare its margin of victory to that of Prop 8. Again, we witnessed an 18-point shift in favor of gay marriage in California in just eight years. We can gain another two points in two. We just have to stay in the fight and constantly remind ourselves and each other -- and Maggie Gallagher -- that we are winning.

I'm a 30-year-old, mildly genderqueer, bi-leaning-het male virgin. I'm not uncomfortable around women -- pretty much all of my friends are women -- I don't really have any confidence issues, and I know I'm not a prude. But for reasons too complicated to get into here, I just haven't gotten around to screwing anybody yet. I'm waiting for the right person, and it just hasn't happened yet. I don't want to have sex with somebody who's drunk or emotionally vulnerable, or manipulate anybody, and it's very important to me that sex be (among other things) a form of affection and not isolated sex-for-sex's-sake.

I know I'm the only person who can answer the question of whether I want to have sex right now. But do I need to have sex right now? Because one day I'm going to fall in love, and it's going to get sexual. The message I hear from a lot of people I respect is that I'm going to pay a price for waiting until then to get laid. Am I? Am I probably going to be OK?

Virgin At Thirty

Yeah, you'll be OK -- but by ruling out drunks, the emotionally vulnerable, and the easily manipulated, VAT, you increase the odds that you'll remain a virgin for the rest of your natural life. A lot of very beautiful relationships -- to say nothing of a lot of very timely deflowerings -- owe their existences to booze, emotional vulnerability, and a little well-timed, well-intentioned manipulation.

And wherever did you get the idea that sex-for-sex's-sake can't also be affectionate?

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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