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Freedom Fires

Depends on what you mean by "flag"

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WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22 The US House of Representatives approved a Constitutional amendment outlawing the desecration of the US flag. No word yet on whether "desecration" would include leaving a flag out in all kinds of weather, flying a torn flag, trivializing it by using it in advertising or by owning flag-designed coozies, thongs, flip-flops, pajamas, scarves, neckties, jewelry, mugs, pool "noodles," cellphones, aprons, hats, bowties, soccer balls, hockey masks, trivets, spoon rests, ashtrays, coasters, paper plates or knives — or by indiscriminately plastering them all over everything until all meaning is sucked out of them.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23 Gov. Mike Easley shocked political observers when he said he would not sign a current budget bill which includes cuts to Medicaid, education and the corporate tax rate and leaves out funding for advertising the state lottery. Political analyst Mary Lou Hector explained, "I suddenly recalled that Easley did actually run as a Democrat. This was the first evidence of that we've seen in awhile, so I think most of us in Raleigh had kind of forgotten."

FRIDAY, JUNE 24 Local Time Warner cable honcho David Auger said the county's suit against his company was "delusional," "frivolous," and "blackmail." The county and Time Warner have agreed to settle the lawsuit with a pay-per-view wrestling match between Auger and County Manager Harry Jones, next Saturday at 10pm. The match is available to TW customers for $29.95. Call Time Warner for details.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25 Members of the House Armed Services Committee, including Concord goober congressman Robin Hayes, visited the Guantanamo detention center, ostensibly to figure out just what the hell is going on down there. The objectivity of committee chairman Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-CA, is a wee bit in doubt since he opined, before the group even reached Gitmo, that criticisms of prisoner treatment there are "wild accusations" spread by "propagandists" to hurt the US and that he was going there to show "the facts. And besides, the soldiers are just following orders." OK, he didn't really say that last sentence.

SUNDAY, JUNE 26 Charlotte's latest DestructoFest took place when the old Convention Center was imploded in about 10 seconds in front of about 20 onlookers and 7,500 media personnel. The thrilling event was followed by hours of banal news coverage and the same shots of the imploding building shown over and over and over.

MONDAY, JUNE 27 The Supreme Court ruled that displays of the Ten Commandments in courthouses are a violation of the separation of church and state. The religious right is expected to go completely apeshit.

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