It's time for another edition of Columnists Are Human (Ann Coulter and Robert Novak not included). What does "Columnists Are Human" mean? Simply that writers like Leonard Pitts and Maureen Dowd don't get up every morning thinking in whole paragraphs. Their award-winning insights usually start as a gut reaction to a news event. In order to turn that gut reaction into a column, Mr. Pitts has to research the topic he's excited about, distill the information, place it in context, and present it in clear and stylish prose. This way, with the initial gut reaction -- which may have been right on the money but was probably too hasty or harsh for publication -- smoothed out and padded, the columnist doesn't get sued for libel and the reader spies only a vague glimpse of Pitts' initial knee-jerk, like a dim light flickering through a fog of facts and writing flair.
I admire the craft of a good columnist, but sometimes I'd frankly rather save time and see her first gut reaction. In fact, I feel that, now and then, it's a good idea for writers to be more transparent, give readers a behind-the-scenes peek at those gut reactions, and help demystify the writing process. So here we go. What follows is a series of recent news items, followed in each case by my first, gut reactions, and then a carefully crafted commentary more suitable for a column. I hope this will give you a better idea of the changes, hard work, and, ahem, artistry, involved in bringing you this fine column.
Item: Duke Energy wants a rate increase to cover costs for a nuclear plant, whether the plant is ever built or not.
Gut reaction: Bullshit! Not until these crooks can explain why my power goes out every time there's a heavy rain.
Final version: Duke's request seems to be an unwarranted call for permanent public funding for building nuclear plants, and should be rejected.
Item: Five Winthrop University students arrested, and possibly face expulsion, for blowing up a couple of 2-liter soda bottles.
Gut reaction: What the f---?! That's what college is for!
Final version: University officials would be wise to remember their own youthful indiscretions and show some understanding of college hijinks.
Item: Cost overruns for light rail concealed from city council.
Gut reaction: Jesus H. Christ, what a screw-up. This gives yahoos like Jim Puckett and Bill James the perfect opening to cut off funds for light rail.
Final version: CATS Director Ron Tober's resignation should be accepted, if only to preserve public support for mass transit in our area.
Item: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to marry/Paul McCartney's wife says he abused her/Kate Moss expecting a child.
Gut reaction: Please, God, tell me this crap isn't what passes for news these days.
Final version: In turbulent times such as these, it behooves the media to focus on important issues rather than present gossip.
Item: Kurt Cobain is the biggest moneymaking dead celebrity, followed by Elvis, Charles Schulz, and John Lennon.
Gut reaction: Cobain tops Elvis? Unbelievable. And Peanuts outsells Lennon? Wow, I'm shocked.
Final version: In turbulent times such as these, it behooves the media to focus on important issues rather than present trivia.
Item: Rush Limbaugh says Michael J. Fox's political ads show the Parkinson's-stricken actor was "either off his medication or acting."
Gut reaction: Jesus, what an asshole! What would this Oxycontin fiend know about being off meds, anyway?
Final version: The cruelty and mockery in Limbaugh's statement, as disgusting as they may be, aren't exactly surprising, considering the source.
Item: Ex-Enron CEO Jeff Skilling sentenced to 24 years in prison.
Gut reaction: They should've executed that lousy bastard.
Final version: In view of the damage done by Skilling to Enron's employees, the national treasury, and common decency, 24 years hardly seems adequate punishment.
Item: Bush's top advisors called Christian conservatives "the nuts," "goofy," and "ridiculous" behind their backs.
Gut reaction: Whoa! Hypocritical politicians -- now there's a shock.
Final version: The religious right can use this revelation to learn some valuable lessons about the rough and tumble world of national politics.
Item: Christian conservative bloggers refer to Barack Obama, in seriousness, as "the anti-Christ."
Gut reaction: Looks like that asshole Rove knew what he was talking about.
Final version: This kind of blatant ignorance is yet another stain on the religious right's credibility.
Item: Wal-Mart to slow its rush to open new stores.
Gut reaction: Maybe there's still some hope for the world after all.
Final version: Maybe there's still some hope for the world after all.
