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HITCH A warm and witty comedy that unfortunately runs itself into the ground, Hitch benefits immeasurably from the presence of Will Smith, who may or may not be a great actor but who is most assuredly a great movie star. There's something to be said for effortless magnetism, and in that respect, Smith has more in common with the sophisticated comedians of the past than the coarse jokesters of today. He's at turns sly, suave and sexy as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens, who earns a living by advising other men how to land the woman of their dreams. Yet even as he tries to pair up a clumsy accountant (Kevin James) with a supermodel (Amber Valletta), he unexpectedly finds his own attention drawn to a gossip columnist (Eva Mendes). Viewers who go with the flow will gladly put reality on pause in order to enjoy this movie's modest pleasures - it's just a shame the picture reverts to rigid formula in its final half-hour. 1/2
HOSTAGE Bruce Willis delivers a committed performance as Jeff Talley, an LAPD hostage negotiator whose botching of a tense standoff leaves him with innocent blood on his hands and prods him into moving to a sleepy community where the crime rate hovers around zero. But once three ruffians attempting to steal a car end up killing a police officer and subsequently taking a family hostage, Talley finds himself back in the sort of situation he would like to avoid. For a good while, director Florent Siri and scripter Doug Richardson do their pulpy material proud, with a real attention to both exposition and execution. But as the storyline gets more crowded (another gang of villains ends up holding Talley's own family hostage), the film falls apart through outlandish developments and ludicrous resolutions to the various plot strands. 1/2
MILLIONS Movies that traffic in whimsy often step over the line into pure treacle, and there are moments when Millions appears to be on the brink of doing just that. Yet to its credit, it maintains its balance between reality and fantasy, resulting in a charming film about locating the miracles in a material world. Young Damian (Alex Etel) receives regular "visits" from history's honored saints, so when a bag of cash lands in his lap, he figures it came straight from God and he should give it to the poor. But what he doesn't know is that the loot is actually stolen, and that the thief (Christopher Fulford) is determined to recover it at all costs. Rather than devolve into Home Alone shenanigans, the film remains true to its characters and in the process reveals what it means to be truly spiritual in a world in which religion is too often used as a smokescreen for bigotry and intolerance.
MISS CONGENIALITY 2: ARMED AND FABULOUS Even taking into account its status as a prefabricated, by-the-numbers sequel, this follow-up to the mediocre 2000 outing doesn't quite qualify as opium for the masses. Instead, it's more like two weak hits from a cracked bong. This time, Sandra Bullock's FBI agent must thwart a pair of kidnappers with the help of her hostile new partner (Regina King) and an offensive gay caricature (Diedrich Bader). With no feel for characterization, dialogue or plot development, this is the sort of dull sequel that's sure to be politely dismissed as merely routine, when it's that very sense of rampaging mediocrity - of flagrant laziness and audience disregard oozing out of every blemished pore - that renders it all but unwatchable. Many bad movies at least make an effort; this one is content to simply lay there, like a fat tick gorged on the blood of complacent moviegoers.
THE RING TWO In this illogical and inconsequential sequel to the 2002 sleeper hit The Ring, reporter Rachel Keller (returning star Naomi Watts) and her young son Aidan (David Dorfman, the worst child actor this side of Spencer Breslin) have moved from Seattle to a quiet Oregon town. But the spirit of the demonic girl Samara won't leave them alone, as she seems intent on taking over Aidan's body. Dorfman is such a monotonous performer that the addition of some Exorcist-inspired pea-green vomit might have helped us determine exactly when he's being possessed; then again, such a gesture of goodwill would be little more than a Band-Aid applied to a hemorrhaging film whose greatest sin is that it's unremittingly dull. 1/2
ROBOTS If ever a movie warranted the Second Coming of silent cinema, it's this animated effort from the same studio (20th Century Fox) and director (Chris Wedge) that brought us the middling Ice Age. Visually, the film is yet another triumph for computer programmers, as their blood, sweat and mouse pads have enabled them to create a wondrous landscape that's a joy to behold. But whenever any of the metallic characters that populate this world open their mouths, the movie reveals its complete lack of innovation at the screenwriting level. Despite an all-star vocal cast, there's no defining personality to most of the characterizations (Mel Brooks is a notable exception as a kindly inventor), while Robin Williams (as a manic misfit) immediately wears out his welcome by performing his usual tired shtick. Sad to say, this neutered comedian has become as mechanical as the robot he portrays.