GOING UPRIVER: THE LONG WAR OF JOHN KERRY Just as studios send out "For Your Consideration" screener cassettes to Academy members during Oscar season, what would it take for the Democratic party to bankroll distributor THINKFilm in order to ship out "For Your Election Day Consideration" passes to this film -- not only to the Undecideds but to every Independent or moderate Republican not completely brainwashed by the right? This compelling documentary from director George Butler (Pumping Iron) leaves no doubt that Kerry is clearly more honorable, more courageous and more decisive than the criminal currently occupying the White House, illustrating in detail how the soft-spoken Massachusetts intellectual went from being a Vietnam War hero to a morally conscientious protestor of the conflict. Voters who've been duped by those preposterous Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads concocted by weaselly John O'Neill (seen here in a vintage clip getting one-upped by Kerry on The Dick Cavett Show) may be interested to learn that Richard Nixon's office had formally tapped O'Neill to run a smear campaign against Kerry; indeed, the most sobering aspect of the film is its ability to subtly highlight all the uncanny -- and frightening -- parallels between then and now (in effect reinforcing the famous adage that those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them). Yet while its shelf life as a political tool may be limited, the movie will continue to resonate for its value not only as a chapter in the Vietnam War chronicles but as a moving look at the struggles of those returning vets who had to come to terms with a venal government, with a hostile nation and with their own personal convictions. 1/2

LADDER 49 It was probably inevitable -- perhaps even desirable -- for a post-9/11 movie to be made that celebrated firemen, but did it have to be as dull as this one? If there's an original moment in this tedious (if earnest) drama, I must have been rubbing my eyes for a nanosecond and missed it; instead, director Jay Russell and writer Lewis Colick have managed to cram just about every overused melodramatic device into this one picture. Basically, only three types of scenes exist in the film: domestic interludes between good-hearted fireman Jack Morrison (a beefy Joaquin Phoenix) and his family, macho antics down at the firehouse between the avuncular station captain (a beefier John Travolta) and his men, and action scenes between the firefighters and their incendiary adversary. In an effort to elevate all these men to the level of heroes, Colick has stripped them of most traits, in effect leaving us with a roomful of cardboard characters (only Robert Patrick, as the outspoken senior member of the team, is allowed any complex shadings). The firefighting scenes are competently presented but tend to blur into each other -- for all its faults, the mediocre Backdraft at least made similar set pieces exciting -- and the movie's running time is stretched out long enough to accommodate not only a karaoke sequence but at least two music-backed interludes designed more to fill out a CD soundtrack than advance the plot in any interesting fashion. 1/2

CURRENT RELEASES

CELLULAR After being kidnapped for reasons unknown, a teacher (Kim Basinger) is able to jerry-rig a busted telephone so that it's able to make one random call. She ends up dialing the cell phone number of an aimless kid (Chris Evans) who believes her pleas for help; after a failed attempt to notify the authorities, he decides he's the woman's only hope, though a conscientious police officer (William H. Macy) soon realizes something's up and begins his own investigation. This nifty thriller employs a full-speed-ahead approach that suits the material at hand, even if it never quite conceals the sheer improbability of the piece.

FAHRENHEIT 9/11 For those still undecided (inconceivable as it may seem at this point), here's your final chance to be persuaded by Michael Moore's blockbuster documentary... well, at least until it's released on video and DVD October 5. As is often the case with Moore, this cinematic diatribe against the Bush family works best when he removes himself from the equation and lets his subjects hang themselves through existing news footage. Still, for all its political pelting, this is at its most gripping when it simply focuses on the innocent people whose lives have been destroyed either by the heinous terrorists or by the abhorrent policies of this administration. 1/2

MARIA FULL OF GRACE A different kind of drug movie -- one that dives straight into the trenches -- this one isn't about the cops, the kingpins or the clients; instead, it focuses on the mules, the (usually) impoverished folks who agree to smuggle the contraband material across borders, risking arrest or even death along the way. Newcomer Catalina Sandeno Moreno delivers a memorable performance as the 17-year-old Colombian girl who agrees to swallow dozens of heroin pellets and deliver them to a pair of pushers in New York City. Maria Full of Grace is an eye-opening experience that sidesteps any political or moral rhetoric in an effort to paint a grim portrait of an independent woman who's neither saint nor sinner, but merely a working stiff whose ill-advised decisions never subjugate her humanity. 1/2

MR. 3000 On one level, Mr. 3000 is an especially tired slab of formula, reminiscent of all those soggy comedies that Disney's Touchstone arm (which also released this film) used to churn out during the 90s -- the ones that typically starred Jim Belushi. Yet through sheer force of personality, Bernie Mac manages to elevate it to the middle of the standings -- he's clearly enjoying himself in this film, playing a vain baseball player who, nine years after his retirement, discovers that three of his 3,000 hits have been rendered void, thus forcing him to again don the uniform in an attempt to make up the difference. Naturally, the egotist softens in time for the finale, but Mac holds onto the character's prickly qualities longer than expected, thereby adding some spice to this otherwise bland porridge. 1/2

SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW A large-scale achievement that's both retro and futuristic, Sky Captain features cutting-edge technology in the service of a storyline that harkens back to the days of Flash Gordon. While the actors are flesh-and-blood -- or, in the case of Angelina Jolie, fleshy-and-bloody-hot -- practically everything around them was created on computers by debuting writer-director Kerry Conran. I wish that Conran's script (and his attendant direction) exhibited a bit more pizzazz, but it's serviceable enough, with heroic Sky Captain (Jude Law) and spunky reporter Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) trying to uncover a labyrinthine plot. From German Expressionism to screwball comedy, from The Wizard of Oz to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Conran's influences often make this seem like the fever dream of a hopeless film buff -- it may be derivative, but it's never dull.

VANITY FAIR A condensation -- and softening -- of William Makepeace Thackeray's novel, this finds Mira Nair (director of the wonderful Monsoon Wedding) filtering the tale through her own sensibilities. Yet her liberties don't cripple the piece -- more often, they provide a welcome sheen to a movie that often threatens to buckle under the weight of so many characters and plot strands. Although the script's episodic nature sometimes gets in the way of narrative propulsion, the lively characters -- and the hypocrisies they inadvertently champion -- always remain watchable. As the poor but plucky Becky Sharp, the 19th century social climber determined to carve out a better life for herself, Reese Witherspoon makes a perky protagonist, though her character needs a nastier edge to be truly believable. 1/2

THE VILLAGE There's a reason Alfred Hitchcock didn't write the vast majority of his movies: He knew his forte was directing, and he left the scribbling to others. M. Night Shyamalan would do well to learn from The Master. As a director, he has a distinct visual style, and this thriller about a town whose surrounding woods are filled with monsters includes scenes that shimmer with an eerie beauty. But as a writer, he's becoming a parody of himself: Eager to top the climactic twist of The Sixth Sense, he has masterminded three subsequent movies in which the "gotcha!" endings seem to be the only reason for their existence. This one isn't really worse than Unbreakable or the silly Signs, but Shyamalan's carny act already feels like it's decades old -- it's a shame, because some good ideas are squandered in a muddled piece that ends up duping itself.

WICKER PARK Josh Hartnett, offering further proof that anybody can make it in Hollywood without a shred of talent, charisma or even a pulse, plays Matthew, who meets the love of his life in Lisa (Diane Kruger) and is heartbroken when she unexpectedly drops out of sight. Two years later, he thinks he spots her in a restaurant, but his subsequent sleuthing only puts him into contact with a clingy individual (Rose Byrne) who may know more than she's revealing. A remake of a French thriller (L'Appartement) that never reached the US, Wicker Park is nothing more than a dull melodrama marked by plot coincidences of staggering stupidity. Kruger, the weak link in Troy, is even worse here, and whenever she and Hartnett share the same frame, you can almost hear the whooshing sound created by the two human vacuums filling the screen.

WIMBLEDON Like Mr. 3000, here's another generic sports flick that manages to somewhat transcend its mediocrity through some deft casting. Certainly, this romantic comedy is all been-there-done-that, centering on a struggling British player who falls for an American tennis star and finds his game improving as their relationship deepens. Coming from the same outfit that brought us Notting Hill, we expect to see Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts huffing on the court and off; instead, it's Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst, and this unlikely match (not to mention the actors' natural charm) provides the necessary bounce to this undemanding trifle. 1/2