THE ALAMO Forget The Alamo... again. John Wayne's 1960 take on the historic battle of 1836 was fairly useless as history and barely involving as entertainment, but it at least had the benefit of a sterling cast and a marvelous Dimitri Tiomkin score. This version can't even match those modest achievements -- it's the equivalent of one long drone from a stiff Social Studies teacher who can't be bothered to add any sort of relevance to the topic. Even with his charisma kept in check, Billy Bob Thornton still fares best as Davy Crockett. The other leads -- Dennis Quaid as Sam Houston, Patrick Wilson as William Travis and especially Jason Patric as Jim Bowie -- resemble waxworks at a history museum; if the characters they're portraying had been this boring, they simply could have lulled the Mexican invaders to sleep. 1/2

CONNIE AND CARLA Although it cribs shamelessly from Some Like It Hot and Victor/Victoria, this at least finds writer-actress Nia Vardalos breaking away from her bread-and-butter -- on the heels of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and the TV series My Big Fat Greek Life, I was dreading My Big Fat Greek Divorce, My Big Fat Greek Funeral, etc. Instead, this finds Vardalos and Toni Collette cast as airport lounge singers who take it on the lam after they witness a murder. Hoofing it to LA, they hide out as drag performers -- in short, they're girls pretending to be guys pretending to be girls. As writer, Vardalos couldn't be less interested in the plot -- the crime escapades wouldn't even have been approved for an episode of Hawaii Five-O -- but the characters are engaging and the musical routines fun to watch. 1/2

DAWN OF THE DEAD George Romero's 1978 Dawn of the Dead has long been hailed by both critics and cultists as one of the few great "splatter" flicks ever made, so expecting anything but harsh words for a rehash would be nothing more than wishful thinking on the part of its creators. But hold on. This new version is that rare bird: a remake that actually succeeds on its own terms. Director Zack Snyder and writer James Gunn clearly knew that simply offering a lumbering retread of the original would be a fatal mistake; instead, it wisely presses forward in its own direction, retaining the mall location but offering different characters, different situations and a different outcome. The result is a crisp horror flick, a fast-paced picture that's exciting, icky and often quite funny.

ELLA ENCHANTED Freely adapted from the book by Gail Carson Levine but completely owing its body and soul to Shrek, this is yet another fractured fairy tale designed for kids living in a postmodern age. Anne Hathaway, the wide-eyed star of The Princess Diaries, plays Ella, a young woman who tries to break a spell that forces her to obey every command directly aimed at her. The film is largely missing any semblance of a through line -- plot points are brought up and then abandoned, and characters appear randomly for no pressing reason other than the story requires their presence at that exact moment -- but the movie's still reasonably entertaining, thanks to an able cast as well as its own infectious commitment to Happily Ever After principles. 1/2

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND Scripter Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich) has come up with another mindbender of a movie, an existential drama in which two people (Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet) meet and are instantly attracted to each other, not realizing that they were once lovers who underwent a scientific procedure to have the entire relationship wiped from their memories. For all its smart-aleck shenanigans and dense plotting, this delightfully different movie is no mere parlor trick. It takes a serious look at the value of remembrance and the dangers of monkeying with the mind (in a world ravished by Alzheimer's, a willful desecration of our memories seems downright insane), and its laughs are tempered by a sorrowfulness that dogs every scene. Eternal Sunshine is ultimately an odd sort of love story, a melancholy rumination that's as much about the head as the heart. 1/2

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR Risky Business comparisons are inevitable, but even with an R rating, this proves to be more frisky than risky, as studious high school student Matthew (Emile Hirsch) learns that his beautiful new neighbor Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert of TV's 24) is a former porn star trying to begin a new life. With its two aptly cast leads and some nicely realized moments in which the pair tentatively get to know each other, this clearly had the potential to succeed as a love story; instead, the focus is inexplicably drawn away from Danielle and placed on the slapstick antics of Matthew and his buddies, forcing the movie to eventually deteriorate into just another chaotic teen comedy more interested in elaborate pranks than emotional bonding.

HELLBOY The beginning of Hellboy looks like the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and that's a good thing. But the rest of the movie brings to mind last year's The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and that's not a comparison anyone would clamor to receive. That's a shame, because this comic book adaptation about a demonic superhero appeared to have the right director in Guillermo del Toro and the right actor in Ron Perlman. But despite their combined efforts, this grungy movie isn't original enough, exciting enough, or humorous enough to sustain interest, let alone spawn the expected sequel or two.

INTERMISSION The opening scene of this scrappy Irish import finds Colin Farrell's small-time crook going from sweet to shocking in an eye blink -- and the film that follows closely mirrors this unpredictable action. This is an example of the slice-of-life film, the type of sprawling, multi-vignette movie whose success is almost always defined by how interesting we find its characters. Here, there isn't a single person who wears out their welcome, and it's a sign of a well-written movie when all of the individual episodes carry equal weight. Even with a strong cast (Farrell, Colm Meaney, Shirley Henderson), director John Crowley and writer Mark O'Rowe had trouble scraping together the funds to bring this to the screen, but their perseverance will be appreciated by anyone looking for a meaty film that will stick to the ribs.

JERSEY GIRL After losing his wife (Jennifer Lopez) during childbirth and his job following an ill-advised tantrum, a publicist (Ben Affleck) returns to his modest Jersey hometown to raise his daughter (Raquel Castro) with the help of his dad (George Carlin); there, he finds himself attracted to a forthright video store clerk (Liv Tyler, appealing in a role that's pure male fantasy). Despite its uneven humor as well as sentimental moments that recall John Hughes at his worst, Jersey Girl is being promoted as writer-director Kevin Smith's first "adult" film, the one in which he has finally dropped his juvenile antics and made a story that involves real-world characters and real-life situations. My response: Where are Jay and Silent Bob when we really need them?

JOHNSON FAMILY VACATION A game Cedric the Entertainer headlines this sloppy comedy about a man who packs up his family -- estranged wife (Vanessa Williams), smart-aleck teenage son (dreadful Bow Wow), impatient teenage daughter (Solange Knowles), and Cosby-kid-cute little daughter (Gabby Soleil) -- and embarks on a cross-country trip to attend a family reunion. The script is mostly comprised of isolated on-the-road vignettes, each one exhibiting a small measure of comic potential before invariably collapsing with nary an adequate punchline in sight. Cedric pops up in a second role, as lecherous Uncle Earl, and a little of this character goes a long way -- say, roughly the distance from Anaheim to Albany. 1/2

KILL BILL VOL. 2 The inability to notice that the emperor had no clothes -- not even a bandanna -- helped turn Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol. 1 into a critical darling and a favorite of fan-boys everywhere. But although originally conceived as one movie until the length dictated the creation of two separate flicks, the Kill Bill volumes couldn't possibly be further apart -- in style, tone or content. Volume 1 diehards will inevitably feel let down by the emphasis on talk rather than action, but Volume 2 is nevertheless the superior movie. It's better written, better acted (especially by Uma Thurman and David Carradine), and more emotionally involving, although it's still obvious that Tarantino should have taken the scissors to his project and carved out a single kick-ass movie instead of two bloated ones. 1/2

THE LADYKILLERS The oddest thing about this coolly detached comedy -- the Coens' remake of a 1955 gem about a gang of thieves inadvertently thwarted by an elderly woman -- is that it never feels especially funny, at least not in the knee-slapping sense. But that's not because the movie fumbles its gags; on the contrary, they're executed so well that paradoxically we end up admiring the intricacies behind the set pieces rather than the set pieces themselves. The same goes for Tom Hanks' offbeat turn as the leader; his portrayal is masterful in its attention to the character's quirks, but any pleasure we derive is because we know it's Hanks, not because he disappears into his character. But all this isn't meant as a putdown; in fact, this might be the first instance in which the ultimate middle-school putdown, "That's so funny I forgot to laugh," can be interpreted as the highest form of compliment.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST Many of Mel Gibson's movies have displayed a fetishistic fascination with blood and guts, and this one's no exception. In relating the saga of Christ from his betrayal by Judas through the crucifixion, Gibson has taken the greatest story ever told and turned it into a snuff film. The pacifist teachings aren't even allowed to take a back seat to the beatings suffered by Christ (played by Jim Caviezel) -- instead, they're locked away in the trunk, with Gibson paying them only fleeting lip service. The emphasis is squarely on employing the best visual effects, makeup designs and slo-mo camerawork that money can buy to lovingly reveal every whip mark slashed across Christ's back, every thorn driven into His head, every nail hammered into His flesh. It's Kill Bill for the churchgoing crowd, an unrelenting orgy of evangelical ire that's sorely missing any type of meaningful context.

SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED The 2002 Scooby-Doo was cheesy, redundant and juvenile, which means it was fairly successful at recreating the spirit of the animated series. While not entirely lacking in charm, Doo 2 isn't as sure-footed; instead, the worst elements of the first film -- the characters' tedious soul-searching, their obsession with the media spotlight, all those flatulence gags -- have been emphasized, resulting in an exhausting effort that feels longer than its 90 minutes. The big surprise before was Matthew Lillard's dead-on Shaggy imitation; here, it's a subplot in which Velma (Linda Cardellini) gets a beauty makeover -- trust Hollywood to take the homeliest cartoon character this side of Olive Oyl, cast a real looker in the part, and then play up her hubba-hubba qualities.

WALKING TALL A remake of 1973's sleeper hit (itself based on a true story) about an upstanding man saving his town from the clutches of crooks, this is an example of what I like to call the "2am movie." It's the type of film invented for night owls and insomniacs, the sort of unexceptional, no-deep-thinking-required fare that plays best with a slice of cold pizza, a can of Coke, and the neighbor's dog incessantly howling in the background. To actually spend money to see something like this in a theater defies all logic: It's the equivalent of using a $20 bill to create an origami elephant. The Rock possesses natural screen charisma, but there's not much about this generic action flick that sticks in the mind. Ask me about it next month, and I probably won't even remember if I saw it.

THE WHOLE TEN YARDS Never mind the yards: There are at least 100 whole reasons why The Whole Ten Yards is easily the worst movie to (dis)grace movie screens so far in 2004. A sequel to a so-so film that barely anyone remembers (The Whole Nine Yards), this again finds gruff hit man Bruce Willis and nerdy dentist Matthew Perry mixing it up with gangsters. This attempt at comedy is so unspeakably awful that I actually felt precious brain cells melting away as my eyes took in this horror. The experience left me shell-shocked to the point that I was wandering the parking lot afterward in a daze, dependant on the kindness of a fellow scribe to remind me who I was, what I was doing there, and where I was parked. I'm no expert on the subject, but shouldn't Workers' Comp be covering my recuperation?

OPENS FRIDAY:

Man On Fire: Denzel Washington, Christopher Walken.

13 Going On 30: Jennifer Garner, Mark Ruffalo.