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THE SCORPION KING In the ripe-cheese tradition of Conan the Barbarian, Kull the Conqueror and dozens of grade-Z sword-and-sorcery epics that invariably featured the hammy likes of Jack Palance or Richard Lynch as the sneering villain, we now get The Scorpion King, a made-on-the-run quickie meant to transform the wrestling world's The Rock into the latest Schwarzenegger model. A prequel to last year's The Mummy Returns (which itself was a sequel to 1999's The Mummy), this relates the back story of the villainous character The Rock played in that blockbuster's prologue, showing how he once was a likable anti-hero, a mercenary with a soft spot for kids, camels and comely sorceresses. In this outing, he squares off against a ruthless Russell Crowe wanna-be (Steven Brand) and a duplicitous warrior (Peter Facinelli) who looks like Christian Bale and talks like Tom Cruise. You also get a shapely co-star (Kelly Hu) who wears just enough clothing to maintain a PG-13 rating, a slumming Oscar nominee (The Green Mile's Michael Clarke Duncan) as a fellow fighter, special effects that are often downright laughable (dig those goofy ants), and a monolith of a leading man whose undeniable screen presence constantly wages war against his wooden line delivery. Thanks to its awareness of its own limitations, The Scorpion King is watchable enough, but you'll be satisfied after an hour. 
SPIDER-MAN Separate this long-awaited adaptation of the Marvel comic book from the cacophony of hype and it becomes readily apparent that this is one summer film that satisfies. Although not in the same league as the screen versions of Superman, Batman or X-Men, this one largely works because director Sam Raimi and scripter David Koepp have managed to turn their movie into a successful tightrope act between soap opera and spectacle, retaining the personal elements that made the comic book so wildly popular while also providing the requisite big-bang special effects that thankfully never overwhelm the story. The first half of the film is remarkably faithful to the origin tale, showing how nerdy teenager Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) turns into a wall-crawling, web-swinging superhero after getting bit by a unique arachnid. The second part settles into more conventional territory, detailing Peter's burgeoning romance with Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) and Spidey's ongoing battle with his arch-nemesis, The Green Goblin (Willem Dafoe). Dunst and Dafoe are well cast, though the film occasionally suffers from its erratic portrayal of Mary Jane as well as too much Goblin gobbledygook (not to mention, that cumbersome outfit makes him look about as frightening as Count Chocula). Still, Raimi keeps the picture hopping, and Maguire is wonderfully endearing as Peter Parker, the clumsy kid whose newfound powers enable him to take the necessary steps from youthful indiscretion toward adult responsibility.
STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES The earlier films in this blockbuster franchise may have stirred memories of Flash Gordon serials and epochal Westerns, but who would have guessed that the latest entry in the saga would readily bring to mind All the President's Men? Political intrigue does indeed seem to be the order of the day in this chapter, but fans need not worry that creator George Lucas has basically churned out a C-Span feed with droids instead of drones. Attack of the Clones is many things: a rock-solid mystery yarn, an initially shaky but ultimately affecting love story, an edge-of-the-seat action flick, and, perhaps most importantly, a vast improvement over its 1999 predecessor, The Phantom Menace. With that film's Jar-Jar Binks (that computer-generated abomination who seemed to be equal parts Jerry Lewis and Stepin Fetchit) relegated to a minor role, this exciting entry can deal with the real business at hand -- detailing the demise of the Republic while simultaneously charting the development of Anakin Skywalker, the Jedi knight who would eventually embrace the Dark Side of the Force and transform into the all-powerful warlord Darth Vader. Only some wretched dialogue and a stiff performance from Natalie Portman (co-stars Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen are much better) prevent this from achieving total success; otherwise, this is the perfect matinee flick, providing the requisite thrills while also deepening the arc of the entire storyline.
THE SWEETEST THING While there are dozens of movies each year that can be called box office hits, there are only one or two that can be deemed influential -- that is to say, the sort of picture that's not only financially successful but that's then endlessly aped by every fledgling filmmaker desperately hoping that lightning will strike twice. One obvious example is There's Something About Mary, a critical and commercial hit whose gross-out style has since been endlessly imitated in such duds as Saving Silverman, Say It Isn't So and now The Sweetest Thing. There are two things immediately apparent after watching this feature from the director of Cruel Intentions (Roger Kumble) and one of the writers of South Park (Nancy M. Pimental): 1) Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair clearly are all gifted comediennes; and 2) all three deserve to have their efforts showcased in a movie much better than this one. Billed as a romantic comedy, this instead proves to be about as romantic as a gas station urinal (one of which is featured prominently in this film). Ostensibly a keen analysis of what happens when a party girl (Diaz) realizes it might be that point in her life when she should stop fooling around and settle down into a long-term relationship, the film quickly chucks this promising idea in favor of lathering on a series of sight gags that are so ineptly staged by Kumble that they produce apathy rather than laughs or even disgust. 1/2
