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JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE One of the biggest problems with this teen comedy is that it never aims very high: This is the type of film in which the token adult figure offering words of wisdom to wayward youth is a character played by, uh, Jenny McCarthy. So even with that title, don't go expecting another Heathers or Election, school satires with the blood-spilling bite of a Great White. John Tucker Must Die, directed by I've-rarely-met-a-premise-I-couldn't-neuter Betty Thomas (Doctor Dolittle), is the usual pandering claptrap, centering on the efforts of three high school beauties (Arielle Kebbel, Sophia Bush and Ashanti) who use a wallflower (Brittany Snow) to get revenge against the stud (Jesse Metcalfe) who's been simultaneously dating all of them. This painless but forgettable film is primarily populated by fledgling TV stars more adept at modeling than emoting, though a few do garner notice. But the film's gender politics are woefully confused, and any movie that ends with a cake fight has clearly run out of anything interesting to communicate. **
LADY IN THE WATER With each subsequent picture, writer/director M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense, Signs) has exposed himself as a filmmaker of limited means; if this pattern of diminishing returns continues, he may soon be reduced to trying to revive the long dormant Police Academy series. For now, though, we're stuck with this dud about an apartment complex superintendent (Paul Giamatti) who tries to protect a Narf (sea nymph) from a Scrunt (wolf) until she can make contact with the Great Eatlon (eagle), all the while keeping one eye peeled for the Tartutic (killer monkeys). This was originally conceived by the auteur as a bedtime story for his daughters, and in that context, it probably worked fine. But as a motion picture aimed at adult audiences, it's a mess, at once ridiculous and risible. Requiring characters to behave in illogical ways and making up the rules of the game as it goes along, this eventually reaches such high levels of absurdity that by the end you can't help but wonder if it was all a put-on, Shyamalan's "screw you" to the critics, studio suits and audience members who abandoned him with The Village. *1/2
MIAMI VICE One of the damnedest movies I've seen this summer, Miami Vice is successful only part of the time and confounding all the way through. Since his days as a guiding light on the trendsetting TV series from the 1980s, Michael Mann has revealed himself as a sober, serious filmmaker (Heat, The Insider), so it's no surprise that his big-screen version bears little resemblance to its TV counterpart. There's very little in the way of fashion sense or MTV visuals, surface elements that made the show stand apart from the pack. Mann has instead elected to turn his Vice into something altogether leaner and meaner -- if not necessarily tighter. The movie runs approximately 2-1/4 hours, and audiences expecting a zippy action flick will find this bo-o-o-ring indeed. Yet those who can tune into its wavelength will frequently find themselves fascinated by its beautifully composed shots, its startling bursts of violence and its baffling narrative segues. As Crockett and Tubbs, Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx bring the requisite attitude but little else. **1/2
MONSTER HOUSE Young DJ realizes that something's not right with the creepy house directly across the street; suspecting it's possessed by an evil spirit, he sets out to uncover its secrets. At its best, this animated adventure harkens back to the fantasy flicks of the 1980s, movies in which innocent children leading sheltered suburban existences often had to cope with the supernatural terrors that lurked around every corner and often even under the bed -- it's no coincidence that the era's leading practitioners of this sort of unpretentious fun, Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis, are executive producers on this new film. As with many of the 80s titles, there's more here than meets the eye, as what initially appears to be a straightforward haunted house tale morphs into a haunting tale about love, retribution and acceptance, complete with a back story that's as affecting as it is unexpected. ***
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND Like those superheroes who hide their costumes under street clothes in order to protect their identities, this likewise masks its intriguing subtext under the surface charms of a romantic comedy. Luke Wilson plays a mild-mannered guy who learns that his new girlfriend (Uma Thurman) is also the superheroine G-Girl; once he sees how needy, possessive and jealous she can get, he foolishly attempts to break up with her. Superhero yarns often center on the personal travails of their protagonists and how difficult it is to balance saving the world with establishing meaningful relationships. This takes that notion to more realized extremes, detailing how the awesome responsibility of perpetually being expected to make things right can weigh heavily on a hero's psyche, turning them into an edgy, paranoid and lonely individual. Thurman locates the inner angst in this character, and while she's effective in full-on comic mode, she's even better when we can see the madness peeking out from behind the super-facade. ***
