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Far From Grace

Not gay, just dorks

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I am a single guy ... never good with women ... not many girlfriends ... I didn't have sex till I was 31 ... but all my life I've had this strange fetish ... I love to be shampooed with lots of lather and suds, suds in my eyes, nose and mouth. I have been trying to find a female partner to shampoo me ... I am a big, hairy guy and I've been told I'm scary looking ... I offered hair salons money just to shampoo me ... not one would ... can you direct me to a place where I can get my fetish ... I hope you can help me ... why am I bad with women ... maybe I'm gay....

Help Me Out

I'm a 25-year-old male who has no ability to talk to women. I am attracted to women and beat it looking at porn of women, but I have only had sex once and I was so drunk that I don't know if I lost my virginity or not. I think about hiring an escort, but I would hate myself even more if I did that. Lately, I have been thinking I might be gay and that's why I am so inept with women. Is this how it happens?

Loser Might Be Gay

Hello, straight boys? Did you learn anything from Will & Grace? Did we suffer through eight years of that shit for nothing? Gay men and straight women get along like gang-fucking-busters, as everyone on earth and her gay best friend should know by now. And yet I'm constantly getting e-mail from inept straight guys who've convinced themselves that homosexuality is some sort of fallback sexual orientation for guys with no social skills.

HMO and LMBG: If being an inept heterosexual made a man gay, then gay men would not compose a measly 3 percent of the population. We would rule the fucking world -- and underpopulation, not global warming, would be the biggest threat to the survival of our species. Women would have to be inseminated with semen collected from spittoons set out in Broadway theaters, major-league-baseball stadiums, congressional-page dormitories, Vatican City, and other places gay men are known to congregate.

You're not fags, HMO and LMBG, you're socially maladapted straight boys. In other words, completely normal. Please make a note of it. Then ask your friends, if you've got any, what you're doing wrong and tell them to be brutal. Take their feedback to heart and work on your social skills, personal hygiene, appearance -- whatever they tell you the problem is. And if all else fails, get obscenely wealthy. Gina Gershon and Monica Seles did not date software billionaire Paul Allen for the scintillating conversation about his collection of Doctor Who memorabilia.

And HMO? There are two kinds of women who will indulge your shampoo fetish: an indulgent woman who loves you and wants to make you happy, or an indulgent sex worker who loves your money and wants to make you happy enough to part with it. If you're not having any luck landing the former, go find a sympathetic, understanding latter. But for God's sake, stop lurking in hair salons, HMO, because that will make you gay.

For the past 15 years, I've identified as bisexual: I've been in monogamous relationships with men and women. I married a wonderful guy a few years ago. However, I recently realized that I identify as gay. I've talked to my husband about this and he's OK with it. I decided to stay with him and remain monogamous. We have a great relationship -- and great sex. We left open the possibility of me taking a female lover in the future, if needed. For now, I'm happy with him. I flirt with girls, we talk openly about my preferences, but I haven't had sex with a woman since before I married him. And I'm OK with that.

So, here's my dilemma: Is it right to call myself a lesbian if I'm married to (and sexually involved with) a man? I hesitate to stay with the "bi" label, since I have no interest in other men. Can I call myself a lesbian even though I'm not sleeping with women?

Lesbian And Married To A Man

No.

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