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Election Shocker

Al-Bushid surprise winner in Afghanistan

International election watchers were stunned early this week when the Afghani Supreme Court named a winner in Afghanistan's presidential election more than two weeks before all the votes were expected to be counted. According to the Court, President Hamid Karzai, the heavy favorite, will be replaced by upset winner, Grand Warlord Ahmed al-Bushid, formerly considered a dark horse candidate. Late in the campaign, al-Bushid's attacks on Karzai's record grew more fierce, winning over many undecideds. "Karzai is an infidel liberal disguised as a moderate," said al-Bushid's chief political adviser Karlei Ibn al-Rove who celebrated the victory by downing a bowl of hearty camel testicles stew. "If he stayed in office much longer, women would soon throw away their burkas and start walking around in halter tops and flip-flops. Don't believe me? Look at his record. Karzai can run but he can't hide."

The new President, al-Bushid, who says he's in regular contact with Allah, announced he would grant immediate tax breaks to the powerful opium poppy growers whose profits once again constitute most of the Afghan economy. "You give taxes back to the poppy growers and soon they'll start new businesses and lift everyone who wants to work their way out of this shithole. . .er, our fatherland. Plus, the Americans are griping about a rise in US heroin prices and believe me, those are the last people you want to piss off."

Dis Connected

Last week, the savvy hipsters at the Observer proudly showed how au courant they are. First, in Thursday's The Pulse section, they introduced all of Charlotte to a political "Web Site of the Day" -- -- saying: Treat yourself to a "This Land Is Your Land" animated spoof featuring Bush and Kerry. It takes a minute to load, but hang loose, it's a hoot (you have to love their mastery of the latest lingo -- we'll have to remember that: "hang loose, it's a hoot"; man, how do they do it?) For maximum enjoyment, you'll need sound on your Internet set-up. Parents: there are a few PG moments. This stuff's embarassing, considering that practically everyone in the country had seen the website in question about, oh, a month ago. In addition, the real news last Thursday was that was planning to introduce a new animated political cartoon on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno that evening. Not to be outdone, The (Missing) Pulse came back only a couple of days later to inform readers of the new jibjab "toon, and warn them that this one, too, had some "PG moments."

I assume one of those "PG moments" would be when John Kerry is seen on his knees in a bondage outfit, in front of French President Chirac, German Chancellor Schroeder, and UN honcho Kofi Annan, while President Bush is singing "You're a UN pussy" to the Democratic nominee. Seems more like an "R" moment, but maybe that's just me. In any case, conservatives -- who normally carp about the lack of wholesome, pro-family values in our national culture -- have remained silent. Except for the hoots and hollers.

Ink Stains On My State

As prospective tattoo parlor owners in South Carolina wait for the legislature to finalize rules for the re-introduction of tattooing to the Palmetto State, a new poll has come to light. The president of the SC Tattoos Coalition, Charles "Choogy" Ledbetter, announced the results of a poll of tattoo artists who named the top five candidates for Most Popular SC Tattoo Designs. Here are those results:

5. Large mouth with one tooth, biting into a peach.

4. Fighting gamecock wearing a Harley Davidson cap.

3. Skeleton wearing Confederate flag eyepatch, with insignia "Remember the Hunley."

2. Strom Thurmond with snakes coming out of his eye sockets.

1. A tractor on a two-lane road, with a long line of cars behind it.

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