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Coming Clean

Plus, renegotiating a threesome



I have a dildo that I loooooove, and I was wondering if it's safe for me to use it in both my ass and my cunt. I would clean it in between uses/orifices, of course, and it has a flared base, so it's safe for anal play. Can I do this or do I need to get separate toys for ass and cunt?

Ass/Cunt Timeshare

"First off, never use a toy in the butt and then go straight into vaginal play, because that could result in a nasty bacterial infection," said Jeneen Doumitt, co-owner of She Bop (, an awesome sex-toy shop in Portland, Oregon. But there is an option for multiple-hole-havin' people who aren't coordinated or organized enough to use two toys —one in the ass and another in the cunt — during a single masturbatory session. "ACT could stack multiple condoms on that beloved dildo," said Doumitt, "and then peel off a used condom before switching orifices."

If you don't have a lot of money to spend on condoms, ACT, or if you're allergic to latex, your dildo will have to be cleaned — and cleaned properly — before you move from one hole to the other. That, of course, was your plan all along: clean the dildo you loooooove between uses/orifices. But can your dildo be cleaned? That depends on what it's made of.

"Best-case scenario, ACT's beloved dildo is medical-grade silicone, which is nonporous and can be completely disinfected," said Doumitt. "To clean a 100 percent silicone toy, ACT can use antibacterial soap, or a light bleach solution, or pop it on the top rack of the dishwasher. ACT can even boil it—up to 10 minutes. Worst-case scenario, the dildo is made of jelly rubber. Jelly toys not only contain toxic phthalates, they're also porous, which means they can never be fully disinfected. There are other materials, such as elastomer, that don't contain phthalates, but are still bacteria breeding zones, so it's generally a good idea to use a condom with any toy if you're unsure of the material."

Don't know if your dildo is made from a porous or nonporous material? Take a good whiff. "If it has an odor, especially one that lingers, that indicates a porous toy," said Doumitt. And if the dildo you loooooove is porous, ACT, or if you're not sure what it's made of, your best course of action is to fall in loooooove with a brand-new dildo, i.e., throw away the one you've got, replace it with a 100 percent silicone dildo (also with a flared base, of course), and get to work on those holes.

I'm a straight man with a bisexual wife, married a little over two years. She got me started listening to your podcast and opened up my mind to alternative relationships. Our arrangement at present is a semi-open kind of thing. She gets some female action on the side, and I, in theory, get a happier, lustier wife who will, if her "friend" is game, include me in threesomes. Our first threesome is happening soon. An old friend/sex buddy and my wife are mutually attracted, and plans are being made. There are some red flags: My wife, who had previously gotten off on the idea of seeing me with another woman, has decreed penetration off-limits. She really doesn't seem all that thrilled about my having any contact with the other woman at all. Meanwhile, the friend has told my wife that she can include me if she wants, but it's my wife that the friend wants. What do I do? I seem to be the only one who wants me to even be involved in this threesome. Do I just keep all my attention on my wife? Do I just watch or even stay out completely? I love my wife and don't want to create conflict, but I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here.

Uncertain In Canada

I would skip this particular threesome, UIC, if I were you — there's no bigger boner killer than knowing you're not wanted.

And, like HMC above, you need to have a talk with your spouse. You signed off on her being with other women on the condition that you, in the context of the occasional threesome, would get to be with other women, too. If your wife isn't into that — if she's too threatened by the prospect of seeing you with/inside another woman to keep up her end of the bargain — you need to renegotiate your agreement about openness, and reverting to a closed relationship should be on the table.

That said, forgoing penetration the first time you have a three-way isn't that monumental a sacrifice — if oral and mutual masturbation are still on the menu.

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