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Come again soon, ya hear?

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I'm a male with submissive tendencies, and my wife decides when I get to orgasm. We have sex regularly, but she only lets me ejaculate occasionally. She finds that I'm more attentive to her now that we're doing "orgasm denial," and I get to scratch my submissive itch. Ain't life grand?

Here's my question: I enjoy pushing the limits, and I've gone as long as six weeks without release. (We use a CB-6000 chastity cage on my cock so I won't succumb in a moment of weakness.) But I'm a little concerned about the effects on my prostate. After several weeks of denial, I leak precome when aroused. I've read that recent studies showed that frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Am I putting myself at greater risk by ejaculating so infrequently? Can you ask your medical expert?

Loving Orgasms And Denial Every Day

"We still have very little idea what might cause or prevent prostate cancer," says Dr. Barak Gaster, associate professor of medicine at the University of Washington and our resident medical expert. "There are some clues -- red meat, probably bad; vegetables, probably good; vitamin E, probably not helpful -- but we're really still in the dark." And while most studies have shown frequent ejaculation to be good for prostate health, one recent study out of the U.K. showed the exact opposite.

So what should you do? Rely on the best-available study, advises Gaster. "[That study] followed U.S. men for eight years and found that those with the most ejaculations per month (more than 20) had a 30 percent lower risk of prostate cancer compared to those who were having fewer per month (about five)." But there is good news in the study for you, LOADED: "The 5 percent of men who reported having zero to three per month appeared to have a lower risk for prostate cancer as well," said Gaster. "The caveat is that this group was too small to make definite conclusions about them. But it looks like coming more than 20 times a month could be good for you in terms of prostate cancer, but it's unlikely that coming very little, like zero to three times per month, is necessarily bad for you compared to coming once or twice a week."

So ejaculate frequently, guys, or ejaculate rarely, because it would appear that moderation in pursuit of prostate health is no virtue.

My wife of three years has a problem with me masturbating. At one point, we made a deal that I wouldn't do it while she's in the house. That would be just fine with me, except that she is rarely out of the house without me. Our sex is really, really great, but I'm pretty horny and I like to masturbate once in a while. She says that she feels like I'm cheating on her. About a year ago, I DID cheat on her -- yes, I'm an idiot -- and maybe this is my punishment, but I've always needed to masturbate a lot. I do it to relieve stress and sometimes just because I get horny and I want to stop being horny in a minute or two so that I can concentrate on something else. This just doesn't have very much to do with her, and I feel stupid trying to justify myself to her on this matter. How do you think I should resolve this situation?

Jerk Off

When someone you love is irrational and controlling about some aspect of your private life that doesn't involve or affect her -- say, your masturbatory routine, JO -- you have two options:

First, you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to talk her out of being irrational and controlling and idiotic. That approach is unlikely to make things better, and it could make matters worse: "Gee, you must really love to beat off without me around, seeing as you're really going to the mat for this."

Your second, and far superior, option is to tell her what she wants to hear -- "For you, I won't masturbate" -- and then beat off when you want to or when you need to and lie about it. Beat off on the kitchen table when she's out of the house; slip away for 10 minutes to take a "crap" or a "nap" when she's home. So long as you're an attentive lover and you're not neglecting her needs, and so long as you're not inconsiderately leaving evidence all over the place (wash out your own crusty come socks), feel free to work around her irrationality with a little harmless deceit.

I'm a middle-aged guy. My boyfriend has just left his teens. We originally got to know each other because I like to tie up muscular young guys and he's a muscular young guy who likes getting tied up. But he's a smart, funny kid and after a few months we started actually liking each other. Not to get all mushy on you, but at some point that like turned to love.

Here's the problem: My boyfriend's parents -- who are a little younger than I am -- were snooping around in his room and found video clips on his computer that clearly illustrated our activities. He still lives with his parents and they were, prior to this discovery, entirely ignorant of their son's sexual orientation and sexual interests. They're now threatening all the things asshole parents usually threaten: to kick him out, to stop paying for school, to disown him.

He's stayed at my place many times and my first reaction was, "Come live with me, you don't need that kind of crap in your life." But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it's the right thing to do. They are his family. Would I really be acting in his best interests if I helped him walk away from them, even as horrible as they're acting? I can put him up at my place. I can pay for his schooling. Heck, I'd be proud to do it. But I wonder if I'd be facilitating a decision he'd one day come to regret. Plus, we're in Boston and he isn't yet 21. On top of everything else, is there a chance the law could decide to bite me in the ass?

Not The Bad Guy

I really can't do my best work, NTBG, without actually seeing those video clips. But let me give it a shot ...

Your boyfriend is of legal age, so I don't see how you could possibly be in trouble with the law. (Unless those bondage videos were made before he reached the age of consent, which I'm hoping they were not.) His parents might not like the fact that their son is gay and a bondage freak, or that he's involved with an older man, but there's not a lot they can do about it.

Besides, of course, tossing him out, disowning him, and refusing to pay for his education.

If they do toss him out and refuse to pay for his education, NTBG, you should take him in and pay for his education. Don't do anything -- or anything else -- that might antagonize your boyfriend's parents. No confrontations, no accusations, no scenes. Write them one polite letter. Tell them you appreciate how distressing it must have been for them to learn about their son's interests the way that they did, and tell them that, despite how they may have interpreted those video clips, you mean their son no harm, that you love him, and that you intend to look out for him and keep him in school. Close by telling them you're going to encourage your boyfriend to keep the lines of communication open with them.

It could be emotionally tricky for a while, perhaps a long while, as his parents adjust to the big kinky news. But that's what happens when you snoop: Sometimes you find out things that you didn't want to know, didn't need to know, or weren't ready to know.

As for the boyfriend, it's entirely possible that he may one day blame you for his estrangement from his parents. You can inoculate yourself against those charges by refusing to come between him and his parents, and making sure he sees you doing whatever you can to lay the groundwork for an eventual reconciliation.

Moving on, NTBG, you say you're in love, and that's swell. But just between us grownups: Very few people wind up with the person they met and fell in love with in their teens. At best, you'll have a few great years with this kid. But this can be a really successful relationship even if, as the song goes, "it's only for now," if you play your cards right. And unless his parents are seriously nuts and your boyfriend desperately needs the legal protections of marriage -- he needs you to be his next of kin in case of a medical emergency, for instance -- I wouldn't marry his hot and kinky 20-year-old ass, if I were you. And if he does need the legal protections of marriage, make him sign a prenup.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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