I recently spoke at Pacific University in Forest Grove, Oregon. PU students submitted a lot more questions — anonymous, on three-by-five-inch cards — than I could possibly answer in the 90 minutes we had together. So I'm going to use this week's column to answer some of the PU questions I didn't get to. Here we go:
What is the biggest barrier to the acceptance of gay marriage in the U.S.?
There are two big barriers.
First: all those loud, aggressive, and hypocritical right-wing "Christian" shitsticks who oppose marriage equality because of some supposedly anti-gay bullshit they read in the Bible while ignoring everything in the very same Bible that limits their own sexual freedoms — you know, all those motherfuckers who masturbate, fornicate, divorce and remarry, and then turn around and oppose same-sex marriage because it "goes against their religion."
Second: all those quiet, timid, and cowardly NALT Christians out there who support marriage equality but have allowed their conservative co-religionists to hijack Christianity. ("NALT" stands for "not all like that," the phrase you hear from liberal Christians whenever you bitch about conservative Christians, i.e., "We're not all like that!" Yes, yes, NALTs — we know. You're not all like that. Don't tell us. Tell Tony Perkins, tell the pope, tell Maggie Gallagher, et al.)
What is your opinion of straight women participating in No Shave November?
I know nothing about No Shave November — but I'm an American, and we don't let ignorance stop us from forming opinions. So I wholeheartedly endorse No Shave November, its mission, and women's participation in it.
Do you have advice about a breakup?
Thinking about breaking up with someone? Don't draw it out — nothing is worse than the humiliating realization, some days after you've been dumped, that the person who dumped you wanted out of the relationship weeks or months earlier.
Just been broken up with? Cry, eat, delete (phone numbers, e-mail, texts, sexts), defriend, hit the gym, hit on someone else just as soon as you're able. Or sooner.
What's the best song to have sex to?
Is there any question? "The Lonely Goatherd" from The Sound of Music, of course. If you don't have The Sound of Music — but who doesn't? — then "If Momma Was Married" from the original Broadway cast recording of Gypsy.