I've always been a big believer in the common-sense obviousness that monogamy is hard. Additionally, I like the idea of my wife getting fucked. I don't have any desire to be denigrated or emasculated; I just get off on the idea of her being satisfied and a little transgressive. Early in our relationship, we talked about monogomish guidelines: I'd like to be informed and consulted, and she would rather I kept mine to myself. Last weekend, we were having sex, and she asked me if I "wanted to hear a story." She'd been out of town for work most of the summer, and told me one of her roommates had gotten in the shower with her and fingered her until she came. I asked her if she'd fucked him, and she said yes. It was all hot and awesome. But a few hours later, I was experiencing pangs: Why hadn't she told me or asked me at the time? Also, I felt alone and depressed that summer, and when I'd gone to visit her, my wife and this roommate acted strangely. I told her that I thought it was hot and cool, but that I didn't think it was cool that she'd kept this from me for so long. Over the last week, we've had some great sex and open conversations but also a lot of anger and hurt. The truth is that she carried on with this guy all summer. It's not the sex that bothers me so much as the breadth of the deception, the disregard for my feelings and the violation of our agreement. And, yes, I'm feeling a little emasculated. How does a loving husband who intellectually believes that fooling around is okay — and who finds it hot sexually — get over this kind of hurt and anger?
Cocked Up Cuckold Keeps Stressing
Your wife has to express remorse for this affair — and it was an affair, not an adventure — and take responsibility for the anger, the hurt, and, um, all the great sex you two have been having since the big reveal.
You don't give her version of events — why she kept this from you — but you were depressed and lonely while she was away, and she may have concluded that informing and consulting you about this guy (first when she wanted to fuck him, and then when she was actually fucking him) would've made you feel worse. This conclusion is a massive self-serving rationalization, of course, because she knew you would veto the affair if she informed and consulted you. Figuring it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, she went ahead and fucked the guy all summer long and then disclosed when your dick was hard.
Your wife needs to own up to the deception, the dishonesty and the manipulation, and then take responsibility for the hurt she caused — that requires a sincere expression of remorse — and promise it won't happen again. She shouldn't promise not to fuck around on you again. You don't want that, right? What she's promising is not to deceive you again, not to go in for self-serving rationalizations again, and not to avoid informing and consulting you again.
You have to forgive your wife. Mistakes were made, feelings were hurt, massive loads were blown. The fact that there was an upside for you even in this messy affair (see: massive loads, blown) should make forgiving your wife a little easier.
I'm a 27-year-old straight woman. I've spent this last year back on the dating market, and it's HORRIBLE. I have a pretty face, I'm fit and I take care of myself. I have my life together and I'm emotionally stable. So why am I finding it so hard? I can get casual sex, and that's fun. But as far as finding a relationship beyond just fuck buddies, it's depressingly predictable: Guy acts interested, texts me all the time, but eventually starts fading away. Everyone says I'm not doing anything wrong. Are they all lying to me? I'm currently seeing someone I really like. When we're together, it seems like he likes me a lot. But now he's starting to do the fade. It's killing my soul to be rejected constantly.
Bummed About Dating
You've been "back on the dating market" for one year, BAD. And in that time, you've dated/fucked a handful of men and nothing panned out. If you expected to be back in a committed relationship within weeks, BAD, then your unrealistic expectations are the source of your grief, not your thoroughly typical dating/mating/fading experiences.There are worse things than being single for a year or two in your 20s. Being single is not an aggressive cancer — there's no immediate need for a cure — and panicking about being single isn't the secret to romantic success. So here's what you can do: Chill the fuck out and stop melting down about what sounds like a thoroughly normal love life, not an unfolding catastrophe.