We get tons of e-mails at Creative Loafing that read something along the lines of, "Hey, Creative Loafing: I'm a lazy bastard, but I really want to look good. I know you guys just sit around all day and do nothing but come up with creative ways to loaf. How can I, too, get fit and healthy by doing virtually nothing?"
Flattery will get you everywhere. And, in fact, we have the answer!
For this year's annual "Health & Fitness" issue, the CL staff has compiled our 58-point "Lazy Man's (or Woman's) Guide to Looking Great and Feeling ... Well, Relatively OK." In past years, we've recommended unconventional stuff like tai chi, yoga, and hoola-hooping; conventional regimens like walking, running and working out with a trainer; as well as eating wholesome, nutritious meals, such as gluten-free foodstuffs, vegetarian diets, organic meats and veggies, bla-bla-bla.
Forget all that. Be honest: What's the likelihood you'll actually keep at it? So, go ahead, be a couch potato, keep the cigs, drink the beer, play the video games, twiddle your thumbs on your smartphone. And lose calories! Yes, readers, you can lose that unsightly bulge simply by taking a few extra steps in your daily non-workout routine. These methods are scientifically verified by our own crack crew of secret researchers.
Trust us. Would we lie to you?
1. Stop eating fast food: Seriously. Just fuckin' stop it.
2. Toss the remote control: You'll have to get off the couch every time you want to change channels or adjust the volume. And if you hate commercials and don't want to hear them, you'll be getting up a lot. After all, for every half-hour of programming, you get about eight-and-a-half minutes of commercials, spaced out for perfect work-out reps.
3. Sit at the computer: Roughly 100 calories per hour. While you're at it, develop a sweet porn addiction. Do we really need to explain how you'll burn right-hand calories this way?
4. Take phone-cam self-portraits: After you've burned 20 calories trying to climb up and balance yourself perfectly on the bathroom counter to get the right pose in the mirror (you need to get your new boots in the picture, of course), you'll realize the first 15 shots all look like shit. So, stand and take another 15 shots that all look like crap, too. Finally, settle for the last one since it at least shows your new outfit. Then post to Facebook. Voila! — a total of at least 100 calories burned! (Warning: This is one of the tougher workouts, but you've done it before, so know what to expect.)
5. Shower more often: Scrubbing — particularly in those hard-to-reach places — burns 173 calories per hour. So what if you use up all the hot water?
6. Horde your garbage: Drag the trash and recycle bins to the curb every other week. The increased weight will tone those arms and put sweat on the brow.
7. Thumb-wrestle: Hey, every little bit helps, right?
8. Wear extra-small tights: The pressure of the elastic band around your gut surely eats away at those calories. Or something.
9. Mosh at the Milestone: If you aren't burning at least 100 calories in the pit, you aren't doing your fair share of slamming and surfing.
10. Get in a bar fight: Vodka has zero calories, so any fighting that occurs as a result of drinking it is all profit.
11. Attend political rally of a candidate you love: You'll burn calories cheering in fervent support.
12. Attend political rally of a candidate you hate: Stand at the edge of the crowd, yell, "Ron Paul's a fucking loon and so are his supporters!" and then run like hell before the wingnuts absorb what you said. (Substitute "Ron Paul" with "Rick Santorum" or "Newt Gingrich" as needed.)
13. Become a politician: Aside from having a staff of people do just about everything for you, you'll burn calories boarding planes, shaking hands, kissing babies and passionately telling lies.
14. Google "santorum" during lunch: No, really. Do it. You'll lose your appetite immediately.
15. Party till you puke: Go on a drinking binge and don't drink water in between your shots. You'll get a killer ab and lower-back workout and burn even more calories worshiping the porcelain goddess.
16. Throw kegs-only beer parties: Forget those individual bottles and cans. Lifting kegs is a more effective workout.
17. Float around in shark-infested waters: You'll end up paddling to shore in record time, all fit, trim and unable to eat.
18. Make an ass of yourself at a Panthers game: You'll have a lot of competition, sure. But during the next NFL season, leap onto the field at Bank of America Stadium, kick that idiot Jeremy Shockey in the groin, then try to outrun his 300-pound teammates, stadium personnel and the security officers. Good luck!
19. Grocery shop: Traipsing up and down those endless aisles, picking out your cookies and beer, knocks off a few calories. Bonus calories burned due to the stress of having your path blocked by the carts of two oblivious morons chitchatting about their kids.
20. Perform shopping bag reps: Carry your shopping bags from the car to your home in one trip. This strengthens biceps and triceps. For extra workout, repeat three times. (May make fingers go numb.)
21. Do a body wrap: Squeeze that fat right out of your pores.
22. Quit smoking pot: Imagine all the calories you won't be consuming foregoing those late-night snack attacks!
23. Occupy: Nothing burns calories better than trying to keep warm on a cold winter night in Charlotte when you're camping out and protesting — and camping for more than a month will really keep that metabolism going. (Note: You may have to occupy your backyard if City Council bans the Occupy Charlotte campsite on East Trade Street.)
24. Take a pole-dancing class: After you graduate, you can get fit while your loser friends sit, drink and put money in your g-string. (Alternate: If pole-dancing is too strenuous, take one of those nap workout sessions at Flex & Fit, in which you hang in a sling from the rafters sleeping.)
25. Play XBox 360 with the Kinect: This game console is voice-activated and requires no movement whatsoever. But yelling at your TV screen surely burns a few calories, right? (Variations on the yelling-at-the-screen theme: Be a passionate TV watcher — burn those calories while screaming and/or throwing things at Bill O'Reilly, Keith Olbermann or the Kardashians.)
26. Stop eating completely: Nip weight gain in the bud by stopping any calorie intake at all. You'll save 1,500-2,500 calories each day! (Easier to do if you take up smoking.)
27. Dress weather inappropriate: Nothing says "I'm working on my toned muscles!" like shivering involuntarily!
28. Use a pencil: Instead of a computer keyboard, write personal letters with a pencil or pen, as this involves more arm motion. A pencil? You know, it's a writing device. Doesn't ring a bell?
29. Listen to records: Play music on vinyl rather than MP3s. You'll burn calories getting up to turn the record over. Vinyl records? You know, those big black things you put on turntables like DJs use. Yes, you can buy them for home use. They're probably located right next to the pencils.
30. Take pills: All kinds of pills: Hydroxycut, Spirulina, whatever. Who says you can't have your meals in pill form? You won't waste all that energy cooking food, and you'll burn calories picking out a regimen that Anna Nicole Smith would be proud of. (Alternate: Take street drugs. If you're on crack or crystal meth, eating is not an option.)
31. Be a passive lovemaker: Let your partner do all the work in the sack. You'll still burn at least 23 calories in the missionary position while getting it on — and all without lifting (ahem) a finger.
32. Boycott Duke Energy: Turn off your heat completely. Who needs heat when you're burning calories (not to mention sticking it to the Man by making a statement about that rate hike)?
33. Get married: The stress will have you a featherweight in no time.
34. Get divorced: Who likes to eat alone?
35. Have sex during your lunch hour: Do we really need to elaborate?
36. Take light rail: Aside from saving gas money, you'll end up walking because you know there's never a stop near the place you're going to.
37. Listen to music you love: You'll burn off a few calories singing/screaming to your favorite artists.
38. Listen to music you hate: You'll burn off a few more calories throwing your iPod across the room.
39. Sing karaoke: Even if you suck — especially if you suck — stretching those vocal chords burns calories.
40. Buy a scale: Getting your lazy ass off the couch to frequently weigh yourself takes effort.
41. Get a haircut: OK, so you're not exactly losing calories, but if you're as hirsute as Chewbacca and come out looking like Vin Diesel, you're gonna lose some pounds (or at least ounces).
42. Try an insect diet: They're filled with proteins. Plus, the crunchiness of bug bodies will make your stomach feel fuller faster — that is, unless it makes you sick, in which case you'll be puking calories.
43. Shop Victoria Secret's semi-annual sale: Elbowing the throngs of women looking for the last pair of medium-sized boy shorts in purple will be enough of a workout to last you a week.
44. Drink a milkshake: If you're lactose-intolerant, that is. Nuff said.
45. Hang out with heavy smokers: You'll be getting up from the bar every five minutes to go outside so they can puff away.
46. Try face-to-face convos with co-workers: Instead of sending chat messages or e-mails to the losers in the cubicles next to yours, lean back in your chair and speak to them. More calories burned if you're venting about your boss.
47. Sleep as little as possible: The fight to stay awake at work will wear you out.
48. Sleep as much as possible: You burn around 25 calories per 30 minutes of sleep.
49. Eat M&Ms and Skittles, one at a time: The repetitive flexing of the arm muscles is like doing crunches.
50. Watch FOX: If you smack your head every time you hear an out-and-out lie, the repetitive motion will burn calories. Warning: Expect a concussion.
51. Two words: Bar Crawl.
52. Two more words: Arts Crawl.
53. Two more words: Belly Crawl.
54. Do the "Tequila" dance: You'll have to find a proper-length counter, either at home or (preferably) in a bar, to emulate Pee-wee Herman's famous "Tequila" dance.
55. Popcorn/Peanut Bar trick: Toss the morsel into the air and try to catch it in your mouth as it make its descent. The arm-and-mouth action will work off a few calories. If you do this successfully, people will think you're cool, but you won't lose any more calories. If you botch it, you'll expend additional energy crawling on your knees picking up the pieces while those around you sneer at your nerdiness.
56. Dutifully Organize your CD library: For maximum workout, use the Dewey Decimal System. (Eventually, you'll get another workout when you realize you need to just haul those obsolete objects out of the house altogether.)
57. Opt out of office birthdays: Find out the birthdays of your co-workers and call in sick on those days to avoid the obligatory Harris Teeter cake.
58. Read this issue of CL 50 times: Experts verify that page-turning burns off more calories than an hour spent at the gym. It's a scientific fact. Honest. We would not lie to you.
